Q: I just want to go out and dance with my friends, but every time we go to The Thirsty Turtle, random dudes there seriously harass us and won’t leave us alone. It really ruins a night out with my friends. How can I avoid that when I go to Turtle?
A: The Thirsty Turtle is really an anomaly. Even if you go to that bar with an entourage of six guys, you’re bound to get practically sexually assaulted by a stranger. As if worrying about our drinks being spiked and our friends projectile vomiting on the steps isn’t enough for girls when we go to the bars. At real-people bars, it’s not socially acceptable to just go up to strange girls and start humping them from behind. At the Turtle there seems to be an unwritten rule that makes uninvited dry sex the new “can I buy you a drink?” You don’t even get to see the guy’s face, but he gets to feel you up in public, and you get to feel his boner. If you turn around to look at him he’ll just assume this is an invitation to make out with you. It’s not even flattering because he probably doesn’t know what you look like either. If he wanted to walk around you to see your face it’d take him half an hour to navigate through the hoards of kissing freshmen and gyrating Greeks and would be totally not worth his time.
I guess now I’m really giving unsolicited advice to every guy who frequents that place instead of advice to you and your friends. If you feel the need to “just dance with your girls,” you need some fending-off strategies. Like I said before, going with guys doesn’t even help, and they’re likely to leave you anyway to pursue greener pastures and more willing butts to poke. The best preemptive thing to do is avoid making eye contact with anyone. If this fails to keep them at bay, you might have to whip out the big guns. Little things can work well, like saying you have to go outside to smoke a cigarette, go to the bar to get a cup of water or go to the bathroom to throw up. Most guys understand this just means you aren’t going to hook up with them. Don’t pull the old, “I have a boyfriend” though or the guy will probably start yelling about how presumptuous you are. “What, you think just because we’re dancing I’m automatically trying to hook up with you?!” Um, yes. Don’t be fooled, that is exactly what he’s trying to do.
Your friends can also be a valuable asset in the repelling process. You guys should each agree beforehand to be in charge of rescuing the others in the event of a boner-to-butt emergency. You and your friends can also act as a team by collectively dressing less like sluts. If you guys are the only girls in the Turtle who aren’t wearing hankies as shirts and belts as skirts, you’re likely to get a lot less unwanted attention.
And this is weird for me to say, but good luck not getting any guys.
Esti Frischling is a senior English major. She can be reached at esti at umdbk dot com.
