I’m going to get some angry e-mails for this column, I’m sure, but in the name of all men ages 15 to 34 nationwide, I think I have to stand up and finally say something. As many of you have now learned from the endless pink ribbons in grocery stores and restaurants or even just from watching the NFL players wearing those sweet pink gloves and other accessories, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Just so we’re clear here, I think a month dedicated to breast cancer awareness is awesome and will probably yield some really positive results. My problem with this, however, is its counterpart does not exist.
Yes, folks, I’m writing a column about testicles. Sorry, Mom.
Normally, I leave the whole research thing to columnists who have real issues to talk about, but as someone who is quite passionate about his testicles, I thought it would be appropriate to dig a little into this issue. As I Googled around, I quickly discovered there is indeed no Testicular Cancer Awareness Month. In fact, all we have is one measly week in April (April 1 to 7 in case anyone’s interested). I just think fair is fair.
October can stay pink; they’ve got a good thing going, so why ruin it, right? But if breasts deserve a whole month, then maybe so do our boys. So what month should we claim as ours? Well, October is out, and no one wants to talk testes during the holidays, so that nixes November and December.
February is Black History Month and the Irish — or just anyone who likes to drink — celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in March. April is already home to our awareness week, but do we really want testicular cancer to put a damper on 4/20? I think not. As far as the summer months go, we’ll all be too busy trying to kill brain cells at the beach to support a cause, so they’re definitely no good. And out of respect to the Jewish community, we should probably leave out September.
That leaves us with January, and that just might work. The NFL playoffs will give it plenty of national attention, and because January is the month during which most couples break up, those so-called “January blues” will be all the more appropriate.
So men, boys and ladies alike, join me this coming January to support man’s most crucial appendage. I realize that testicular cancer is relatively minor on the cancer Richter Scale and has one of the highest survival rates of any form of cancer, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth our attention. So keep cheering for pink this month, and I’ll get to work on some blue ribbons we can all wear in January.
Everyone gets two.
Mike DiMarco is a senior English major. He can be reached at dimarco at umdbk dot com.
