With this, the final issue of spring 2008, the students who make this university what it is will begin to trickle out of College Park. Along with those students will go most happenings of interest in the area. Let’s face it: As far as municipalities go, College Park is the homeliest girl at the prom. The residents and city council might complain about students, but during the summer, they secretly long for all those noisy parties, intoxicated nocturnal processions and the general decadence created by a student population.
Nevertheless, things continue to happen in this town in spite of the relative absence of students. Because The Diamondback only comes out once a week during the summer months, many things are bound to be overlooked. To that end, what follows is a preview of some of the earth-shattering changes that will greet students returning in the fall.
New opportunities
Past years have shown us downtown College Park is simply not the most business-friendly environment. The recent folding of Potomac Video and, before that, the tragic demise of Wawa, testify to that fact. Many other local commercial concerns are likely to be run off of Route 1 over the summer. Already, there are plans in the works to replace them. This time, owners are taking a more conservative approach – investing in businesses that are bound to achieve returns in a college town. Students can expect anywhere between 10 to 15 new bars downtown when they return. Among the ideas for these new establishments is “Cornerstone 2,” a dive that will boast of itself as a tribute to the distinct and vibrant atmosphere of the original Cornerstone. There are also plans for adjacent English, Irish and Scottish pubs. But perhaps the most innovative concept is the proposed construction of a 20-foot-tall keg where patrons pay for time slots underneath the spigot.
Ten-hut!
The university administration is finally realizing the problems engendered by the shortage of on-campus housing. The administration plans to take some drastic action to even the supply and demand of housing to some extent. But because construction of new buildings takes a long time, there must be a way to increase the density of student housing. One option on the table is the conversion of the Armory into a true barracks. There is a guarantee to freshmen that they will get housing, but there is no stipulation about amenities. The freshmen in the barracks could be packed together at almost any desired density. Of course, such a high concentration of students would require harsh military discipline, which would probably be a big help to freshmen adjusting to college life, which is of course full of responsibilities. Don’t expect to be able to write any letters home either.
McKeldin temperate zone
The strategic plan envisions a much more carbon neutral campus in the future. To avoid the imminent doomsday presented by climate change, however, the administration has decided to take immediate action. To that end, they are drawing up plans to convert all of the grassy area on McKeldin Mall into a mini-rainforest ecosystem. Rainforests, with their high concentrations of green plant matter, are efficient converters of carbon dioxide into oxygen. How this process works is currently unknown to scientists. Trees, ferns and animals from the world’s tropical zones will be specially flown in and transplanted into fertile soil. Sophisticated weather control mechanisms will be devised to sustain the climate around the mall. This scheme will also serve the university’s fundamental purpose as an agricultural college. A rainforest master plan should come before the University Senate when it returns in the fall.
