Not since Kanye West’s first album has a “Workout Plan” been so easy to come by. As reported by Amanda Munsie for The Diamondback yesterday, students at this university have free access to an online program called ActivTrax, which allows users to figure out the best way for them to exercise based on their goals and experience.Long hours, low wages and close-proximity to the South Campus Dining Hall all make The Diamondback’s staff particularly susceptible to all those bodily gains that come with fast food and slow metabolisms. In response, we have our own ActivTrax-like program in the newsroom. It’s called the Bowchicawowwow-O-Tron, and it’s friendly to all students – computer-savvy or otherwise. Here are some of the best tips we’ve received from the ‘Tron:
Tip 1: Running out means out running
This tip is one of our favorites. When your stash of Pepperidge Farm cookies purchased at The Common Shop runs out, it’s your cue to get out and go for a run. When the hell did exercise become a part of diets, you ask? It’s a ridiculous notion, we agree, and we asked the same question. Unfortunately, the ‘Tron laughed at us when we asked. But as it turns out, running helps. Who knew?
Tip 2: Where’s the beef? Figure it out
Push-ups won’t do much for those thunder thighs. Figure out where the extra pounds have latched on, and target those areas like you’re a Blackwater gunner. Sing the Rocky theme while doing so.
Tip 3: Meathead over meatneck
Nobody wants a neck the size of an industrial-sized tub of mayonnaise, but sometimes the steroids and the intimate nights with the weight bar add up to just that. The ‘Tron suggests laying off a bit. Semi-caveman appearances are acceptable. Looking like Bebop and/or Rocksteady is not.
Tip 4: Save a course, avoid the cowboy
Late-night dining at the South Campus Dining Hall is particularly dangerous for us D’Backers. First of all, its name sounds enticingly similar to Taco Bell’s “Fourth Meal.” That’s the problem though – it often is the fourth meal of the day. Save the four course Sloppy Meal. What has “Gimme more” done for Britney anyway?
Tip 5: Singular: raising the bar
When you are single, sometimes it’s hard to keep up your confidence. It’s easy to fall into the trap of ignoring the faults of potential suitors in the spirit of avoiding the label “shallow.” However, there is a line. If you observe a potential boyfriend eating five pieces of pizza on his way to a D.P. Dough calzone, he’s probably not going to be a great companion on your the quest to ditch the gut. Raise the bar.
