It’s official: The Hills has finally jumped the shark.
We’ve watched Lauren, Heidi, Audrina and Whitney’s sordid affairs for a couple of years now, and until now, it was so far, so good. Following Lauren’s adventures after Laguna Beach seemed like a good idea at the time, but as each season passed, The Hills has just kept on getting more ludicrous. And sure, I’ve lapped it up – Lauren’s on-again, off-again relationship with Brody Jenner (who else thinks it’s creepy that he’s Kim Kardashian’s step-brother?); the extent of Spencer’s douchiness; the existence of Justin Bobby.
But last night’s episode ended my love affair with the pop culture phenomenon that is The Hills, and truth be told, I’m kind of disgusted with myself for putting up with LC’s crap for this long.
The entire premise of the show is just so utterly ridiculous – and yet somewhat, maybe, just a little bit believable – that I’ve tuned in every week, and so have millions of others. The Hills has been reported to be the highest-rated show on MTV ever, and last night, the network pulled out all of the fanfare you could expect from overly produced, overly slick and overly faux-glamorous television. A live viewing party, hosted by one of the random TRL-ers? Sure! A performance by Mariah Carey? Why not! LC standing around in an ugly (and probably really expensive) dress, looking bored and vapid? Nothing new there!
And there used to be such a soft spot in my heart for The Hills. Watching “stupid girls doing stupid shit – that’s all it is,” as Rudi Greenberg, one of my co-editors here at The Diamondback, put it, was once a necessary part of my weekly routine. But as I sat there last night, suffering through the utter absurdity of an episode in which LC and Whitney go to Paris; gossip while they’re supposed to be on an assignment for Teen Vogue; ruin a designer gown by Alberta Ferretti; and act blasé about their annoyingly privileged lives, I couldn’t deny it any longer.
The sheer banality of it all – and the obvious scriptedness of the show – was too overwhelming to bear. Lauren and Whitney’s personal driver, Stephane, telling them how everything is different in Paris and how the city changes you? How expected. Whitney mispronouncing Givenchy, when she’s an actual employee of a fashion magazine and has claimed all she wants to do with her life is go into styling? How embarrassing. Heidi looking like a washed-out duck, with her new lips, nose and breasts, which of course no one mentions or comments on? How classy.
But really, I shouldn’t have been surprised at all. For months now, the evidence against The Hills has been building. The feud between Lauren and Heidi has long been thought of as a giant publicity stunt for the show itself, coming to a height when a Hills “insider” told gossip blogger Perez Hilton in October that Heidi and Spencer wanted to get married on the air, but Lauren said she would leave the show if that specific plot twist went down. Lo and behold, after this tidbit was unearthed, Heidi and Spencer began having a rough spot in their relationship on The Hills.
The insider also added Heidi “doesn’t really work [at Bolthouse, an event production company] when the cameras are off.” That same month, TMZ spotted Heidi and Spencer filming scenes at Los Angeles International Airport – the first scene in which Spencer drops off Heidi, then a quick change of clothes, and an hour later, the couple is embracing in another scene as if Heidi had just returned from a long trip. Hmm, fresh from visiting her parents in Colorado after a break with Spencer – before it even happened? Tricky indeed.
But there’s more, so much more – Nailgate, when Lauren is wearing one shade of nail polish during a date and magically wearing another shade in a scene that supposedly occurs immediately after; an interview with male model Gavin Beasley on VH1’s Best Week Ever in which he claims show producers set up a date between him and Lauren; an episode in which Whitney’s personal trainer, whom she goes on a date with, has a buzz cut one day, a full head of hair the next and then back to buzz cut; and on and on and on.
And even show creator Adam DeVillo has said the show is “a little fake” – so what’s the point of watching? Any reader of gossip blogs knows Heidi and Spencer are still together and still snapping publicity photos (this past Easter weekend, the two conveniently cavorted around in public with Spencer’s “niece”); has seen those naked photos of Audrina that she submitted to Playboy right after high school, which are only adding fuel to the rumor that she’s an actress on The Hills for the fame; and can speculate Stephen Colletti is just back on The Hills this season because he and actress Hayden Panettiere recently broke up (and he’s got nothing better to do).
It’s a sad day when The New York Times writes about the new season of The Hills (and reviewer Ginia Bellafante calls Heidi Montag a “feminist hero;” gross), but let it be known that I’m done. The Hills are alive with the sounds of fakery, and no matter what Natasha Bedingfield may sing in that ear-bleeding theme song, the rest is not unwritten.
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