I have been writing this column for quite some time
And I’ve always wanted to do
one entirely in rhyme.
The rigors of a semester leave
few minutes for concentration
So I decided to write this
during winter vacation.
It’s a time to make
a new year’s resolution.
Getting in shape at the gym
is one solution,
But before you work out
for abs as hard as rock
Here are some people to know
so there is no shock.
Sweaty Guy schvitzes
like a pig in summer
If sweat was gasoline,
he could fill up a Hummer
His work ethic should be admired
and cannot be beat
But follow him on a machine?
First wipe down the seat.
Headphone Guy walks oblivious,
buds in his ears
Maybe he’s listening to Kanye,
maybe it’s Tears for Fears
Regardless, his quiet intensity
makes him look maniacal
When he sings to what’s playing,
he’s no American Idol.
Some people work out their quads,
some people their bums.
Talking Guy, on the other hand,
prefers to flap his gums
If you’re in the middle of a set,
Talking Guy really gets in your craw
You’re sore all over tomorrow
but he’s only sore in his jaw.
Regarding mouths, Gallon Jug Guy
strengthens his enamel
Gulping water like the gym’s
a desert and he’s a camel
In other settings, Gallon Jug Guy
would be out of place
After finishing off his water,
to the bathroom he must surely race.
The mirror on the wall
is the object of Posing Guy’s delight
He would have no problem
flexing for himself all night
He tries playing it off subtly,
tries to act inconspicuous
But everyone notices Posing Guy
and thinks he’s just ridiculous.
Fashion at the gym ranges
from tights to khaki
Hat Guy, however,
easily is the most wacky
He wears a needless accessory;
he might as well be sporting lead
At the gym, after all,
it’s fine to have bed head.
Down fast, up slow:
this is Bad Form Guy’s motto
When he finishes his set
you’d think he just won the lotto
Slow and steady wins the race,
as the tortoise proved to the hare;
In his current regimen,
Bad Form Guy will get a muscle tear.
You may have noticed in this list
a glaring omission
But excluding women
was an executive decision
The problem is pretty obvious,
I suppose
Every girl is a Gym Girl
and Gym Girl wears little clothes.
For men, you’d think
this would be a special thing
But even if she wore a sweater,
a guy would still be imagining
So don’t be surprised
if every third guy you see
Walks with his head to the side
like he has a neck injury .
So there you have it –
your own personal gym tour
Should you decide to work out
don’t forget to stretch before
There is one more to avoid,
the worst of the bunch
Don’t watch me exercise
or you just might lose your lunch.
Danny Jacobs is a senior journalism major. He can be reached at jacobs@umd.edu.
