I wrote a long blog this week about battling depression and self-esteem issues, but let’s push that to next week because it’s time to talk about pizza.
I just got a job at Blaze Pizza this past week and have rediscovered my need for pizza consumption. My deep need.
On the first day, we had to do a team-building exercise in which six volunteers went to the front of the room and attempted to move an Oreo cookie down from their foreheads into their mouths. Among Blaze Pizza’s 35 stores, the fastest time record is one minute, 48 seconds (besides one employee who catapulted an Oreo into his mouth by flicking his head). He’s supernatural, he doesn’t count.
When the trainer screamed “Go,” I panicked and accidentally dropped my first cookie. Luckily, it was a two-cookie-attempt challenge. The second went like this:
Chocolate chiptory. With a new Oreo challenge record: one minute … wait for it … 28 SECONDS! Beating the previous best by 20 seconds. I had never twitched so much in my natural-born life.
But back to the pizza.
Blaze Pizza is the new kid on the block of College Park pizza joints. It’s the cool-kid pizza place that just moved in from California. Blaze Pizza has an American helmet and a pink cruiser.
It honestly runs circles around everyone else. Plus, it’s got a sweet pizza flag.
I’m not going to be the only one to tell you that the pizza here is good. This guy will also tell you.
It makes me want to strap on a pair of boots and ride it all the way to Montana.
Everything you thought you knew about pizza, every brand you thought you loved, every pizza you’ve ordered that you thought was a culinary masterpiece: Let it go.
Just toss whatever pizza you usually get on your driveway. Or garage roof.
Because for those of us who know …
Primary activists being the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with their campaign “Combating the War Against Drugs and Addiction Prevention Using Pizza,” or CWADA PUP, we expect the highest quality when spending our dough on cooked dough. We don’t mess around with grocery-store brands or Dominos. We appreciate artisan-styled pies with sauce good enough to continuously snow-angel in.
You might even consider taking your Blaze pizza — dressed to the nines in toppings — to a midnight dance … in a pumpkin carriage.
Our pepperonis have Kanye in a trance.
And Les Miserables became a lot less … Miserables … ever since Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman started masticating together. That’s how good it is.
Blaze Pizza is giving away free pizza on Friday, so come join my crew and Rebecca Black in celebrating the opening of the best new pizza place in town.
Pizza loves you, pizza loves me, let’s all go, it’ll be a party.
Thanks for the new rap, Barney.