Sex in College Park
The Terrapins athletic teams are going B1G on the field, and now you can go B1G too — in the bedroom. Spice up your sex life with these foreplay tips and sex tricks, based on Big Ten mascots.
THE BADGER: “The Bucky Badger” is performed by never taking off your red and white striped sweater and bringing an alarming amount of sharp cheddar into the bedroom.
THE BOILERMAKER: Crank up the thermostat to at least 90 degrees. When you start to sweat, it’s time to get it on. Just make sure you rehydrate afterwards.
THE BUCKEYE: Make sure you refer to yourself as THE (your full name here) State University for the duration of your sexual encounter.
THE CORNHUSKER: The goal here is for you and your partner to race to see who can strip each other down the fastest — first one done gets to pick the position!
THE GOLDEN GOPHER: Have your partner lay down, build a pillow fort around him or her like a gopher den. Then perform oral sex on him or her, regularly coming up for air out of a hole in your gopher den.
THE HAWKEYE: Eye contact must be made at all times, no matter how uncomfortable.
THE HOOSIER: Traditional doggy-style, only with excessive spanking. And when you finish, make sure you ask your partner, “Hoosier Daddy?!?”
THE FIGHTING ILLINI: No official mascot means no official rules. Think of this one as a wild card.
THE NITTANY LION: Perch on top of your dresser or other elevated piece of furniture and pounce on your partner when he or she enters the bedroom like a Nittany Lion stalking its prey. This move always has a happy ending (just consider placing padding on the floor).
THE SCARLET KNIGHT: Put whipped cream on your man’s “sword” and use a bright red strawberry to scrape it off.
THE SPARTAN: Slowly strip in front of your partner and announce, “This…is…(YOUR NAME HERE)!!!” At the end of your wild sex, during which you’re both wearing red capes, ask your partner, “Are you not entertained?”
THE TERRAPIN: Just do it on a burning couch so you can still f— Duke. Be sure to rub your partner’s nose and leave an offering for good luck.
THE WILDCAT: B-E AGGRESSIVE! Mark your territory by scratching at your partner during sex. Growling noises are encouraged, as is teasing your partner by licking him or her all over.
THE WOLVERINE: Caught in a wolfpack orgy? Don’t hold your grunts and howls back as you claw your way to ecstasy.
