Junior psychology major
“Dear Noah,
About three months ago my girlfriend of almost two years gave me a hall pass. I don’t plan on using it, but I told her that I would rather have a threesome. She isn’t completely opposed to the idea, but I know she’s very insecure about seeing me with another girl. Is there any way I can help her with those insecurities and open her up to a threesome?”
Your girlfriend of two years is telling you it’s OK if you cheat on her. Her “hall pass” is insurance on the trust she has for you; she can use it, if the situation arises, to justify your betrayal of the relationship.
If you want your relationship to last, you need to figure out why she thinks that you would cheat on her. Her fear is a barrier in your relationship, and if she can’t get past it, your relationship will continue to suffer. If you take a step back and look at the relationship, you will probably find some evidence of her lack of trust.
Maybe she is nervous when you go out with other friends or is constantly trying to figure out your whereabouts to see if you have the opportunity to cheat. Whatever her mentality, one thing is clear: She has resorted to accepting the fact that you’ll cheat on her, and is dealing with it by giving you a hall pass.
This hall pass isn’t an excuse to cheat — it’s a reason to reexamine your relationship and figure out how to improve it. Before you can discuss threesomes, you need to have absolute trust with your girlfriend. Once she trusts you, her insecurity about seeing you with another girl will likely diminish. It is also possible, however, she will never be comfortable with threesomes. You’re reading her hall pass as a sign that she’s sexually open-minded, when in reality it’s a sign she’s afraid of losing you. To help her trust you, figure out why she’s protecting herself with a hall pass. Without that trust, your relationship, and not a threesome, is the thing that will be in jeopardy.
“Dear Noah,
Over the summer, I was at a concert with some of my friends from high school. Since we were all wasted, I proceeded to hook up with my friend ‘B,’ despite the fact I had never thought of him that way before. Since then, B and I have made out a few more times while drunk, but it’s been pretty sporadic. Even though we wouldn’t date, I now find B very attractive and want a more consistent friends with benefits relationship with him. Should I just suggest it by asking him up front, or would he find this strange and too direct? Please help!”
The first thing you need to do is to figure out why you wouldn’t date B. One possibility is that you’re both physically attracted to one another, but neither of you is interested in a relationship. If that is the case, you can just flirt with him, and your mutual attraction should take care of the rest. If you repeatedly hook up with him, your relationship will gradually morph into FWB.
The other possibility is that he’s not interested in you. This could explain why your hookups have been sporadic, rather than consistent. He may be occasionally making out with you because he feels too guilty to flat-out reject you. If this is the case, you should focus your energy on finding someone who’s worth your time.
If there’s a potential for a FWB relationship, you shouldn’t need a formal conversation to initiate it. FWB relationships are extremely casual, and are fueled by a mutual attraction between two partners. It sounds like that mutual attraction is most likely missing, and you should move on before you waste more time chasing a guy who isn’t interested in you.
Noah Robinson is a junior psychology major. He can be reached at opinionumdbk@gmail.com. To submit an anonymous question, go to http://tinyurl.com/HumpDayDBK.
