Black Friday has come and gone, but believe me, the holiday shopping season has just begun. And I’ll admit it – I am crazy. Actually, no – I am crazy in comparison to other people’s shopping standards. My family has never been big on holiday traditions. So at the tender age of … err … let’s just say when I was young, I made a promise to myself to start my own tradition. When I was finally old enough (and licensed and insured) to drive, I decided the Friday morning following Thanksgiving was no longer a time to sleep in. The turkey I consume just hours before is barely digested before I am up, bright-eyed and ready for action!
You may laugh at my intensity (or maybe insanity), but I relish in the fact that you didn’t get a sweet, bagless vacuum cleaner with five different floor settings for less than 30 dollars. I might have been up at 4 in the morning, but you know what? I will gladly sacrifice a few hours of sleep so I can obtain a handy household device for so cheap a price. And just for your information, I am not Martha Stewart; I just don’t enjoy dust bunnies. Besides, Martha would have stolen her vacuum, no matter how inexpensive.
The real issue here is that the holiday shopping season is well upon us, and after experiencing last Friday’s madness, I thought it only in my best interest to share my advice to all of you so that you, too, can score an inexpensive vacuum – or Playstation 3, iPod or whatever your little heart desires.
1. It’s cliché but true: The early bird gets the worm. You probably turn your nose up in disgust at the thought of being up at 4 a.m., but let’s be honest – you’re usually up that late partying on a regular basis anyway. Just switch kegs for coffee. Besides Black Friday, most stores open at 6 a.m. or later during the rest of the holiday season, so you get to sleep in a little more. I guess you could sleep ’til noon and then get to the store. But then again, don’t blame me if you don’t get a super deal on the latest Tickle Me Elmo. You know you are planning on keeping one of those in your closet just to amuse yourself when you’re bored.
2. Be prepared. You might look like the nerd you used to make fun of in sixth grade, but who cares, you are on a mission. Strap on a mini backpack filled with vital essentials. And I know what you’re thinking, a handle of vodka is vital in most situations – but not this one! You cannot work to your best ability when intoxicated. You might miss a sale! Pack your knapsack with water, energy drinks and a hearty lunch you can eat with your hands. There is no time to waste, and making that trip to Panda Express in the food court will do nothing but drain your wallet, time and energy. I’ve never heard of anyone eating Chinese food for the “excellent energy” it provides.
3. Don’t be afraid to fight a fellow customer. You worked hard to be in the position you are in. If someone wants to challenge you, give ’em all they can handle. It also helps to bring a partner-in-crime should you land yourself in a sticky situation. I recruited my younger sister. She wasn’t too happy to be up at the crack of dawn, but I got her Starbucks, so she shut up. Remember that backpack I told you to bring? Two words: mini-mace. I can just see it now: “But officer, I put my hand on this Conair Xtreme 5000 hairdryer first and then this b—h came along and was all, ‘IT’S MINE, W—E!’ I had no other choice to put her in her place … with mace.” The holidays are such cheerful and pleasant times.
In hindsight, sometimes we really do lose track of what the holidays are really supposed to be about. Remember that guy Jesus? Uh, yeah, Christmas would be His birthday, not yours. So when you’re drooling over an inexpensive gadget at the mall or making the mile long list of what you want, just take a minute to remember what the holiday season is all about. You don’t have to be one of the three wise men to know.
Olivia Logan is a junior journalism major. She can be reached at ologan@umd.edu.
