Ambivalent,” “depressed” and “emotionally dulled” are just a few of the words author Donna Freitas used to describe students caught up in the college hookup culture in her March 29 Washington Post column, “Time to stop hooking up. (You know you want to.)”
I’ve heard students condemn what they see as the claustrophobia of impersonal fraternity house parties. Alternatively, I’ve heard students describe an entirely different phenomenon: Finally unencumbered by parental oversight, students partake in the liberating sexual experimentation they’ve always longed for. In reality, hookup culture probably falls somewhere in between these opposing narratives. But by changing some norms and expectations, students could enjoy a truly liberating experience.
Freitas’ column offers a scathing critique of what she sees as a cold, dispassionate scene that desensitizes students from sex. While her generational distance may cause her to take a harder view of hookup culture than the average college student would, her piece effectively captures the overwhelming pressure students feel to hook up. Guys face constant verbal assaults on their masculinity if they haven’t slept with a girl yet. The further removed they are from their 18th birthday, the worse it gets. Girls face similar pressure to hook up but additional stigmatization if they actually follow through. In this environment, the freedom college lends can turn into a handicap.
Gender-based double standards make matters worse. The problem is old yet disconcertingly relevant. Men’s sexual exploits are unabashedly shared and almost admired, while women’s active sex lives are judged harshly. Women are “prudes,” or worse, “sluts.” Men approach women and offer a hollow introduction that’s nothing but a perfunctory precursor to a hookup. The entire parody transforms a hookup into a highly sought-after commodity for a guy and something reluctantly given away by a girl. Indeed, by eschewing common ideas about what’s acceptable, more men (and women) would likely get laid.
By flipping the script and being less judgmental, college students could really tap into their new freedom. People needn’t face pressure to hook up. Girls could approach guys — or girls — and not be judged if they do. Similarly, girls could be more receptive to introductions that stray from the empty, circumscribed script guys currently follow. While I don’t envision a full-fledged renaissance of the dating culture that characterized our parents’ young adulthoods, longer and more genuine conversations before hookups could lead to more conversations afterward, or even something more. Walks of shame could be just walks.
A change of scenery at parties could allow for more real conversations. Certainly, the pounding, chauvinistic music that’s the norm at college parties doesn’t encourage talking. You shouldn’t need to down a couple of shots to appreciate the acoustics. But with today’s parties’ soundtracks, you might. With the full array of music college students listen to, music at parties shouldn’t be limited to whatever is currently blasting at Washington clubs. With a few tweaks to parties’ atmospherics, students could create an experience with much wider appeal.
From all the “eye-f—ing” confessed on the @TerpCrushes Twitter feed, it’s clear many students want to hook up. And certainly, no one should begrudge them for that. Hookups offer the freedom to engage without the responsibility that comes with a relationship.
Students should be able to enjoy the freedom college offers the way they want. Whether that means hooking up with an attractive stranger, having a refreshing conversation at a party or curling up with a book in their dorm, it should be the students’ choice. By abandoning ideas about what college students should be doing on Friday and Saturday nights, students could really unlock the liberating power of the college experience.
Charlie Bulman is a freshman government and politics major. He can be reached at CBulman@terpmail.umd.edu.
