Granted, finals start next week, and your face, when not attached to a Yuengling to drink away your impending grades, will be buried in a book for the next 14 days. But you can always use a bit of extra reading to soothe your soul, right?
Put away your Agatha Christie mystery or Robert Louis Stevenson classic: The Lite Fare has compiled its own list of future literary blockbusters, comparable to the famed New York Times Best-seller list. And so, here you may discover the first installment of The Diamondback’s Best Sellers list. This week we feature the “who’s-who” of “how-to” books that will NEVER be written…
FAST AND EFFICIENT:A guide to meeting deadlines by Mark Srour
This one is a real charmer. Written by the “college bar tycoon” himself, Santa Fe Café owner Mark Srour lends his expert advice to living up to dealing with outrageous contract stipulations – namely, get them over with as soon as you can. Often referring to his own experiences with installing a city-mandated sprinkler system, Srour inundates the reader with his message of WPA, or “Why Putz Around?”
In “Chapter 5: Obstacles,” Srour explains how to overcome adversity. First, expect it. Second, when problems arise, such as, hmmm … perhaps not having a large enough pipe to support safety criteria such as fire sprinklers, use good, nondestructive measures to conquer these issues. Finally, expedite these changes as quick as possible, because if you don’t fulfill your contract, the writer of the contract might throw a temper-tantrum and actually make you carry out your obligations.
SENSE AND SENSIBILITY 2By Dining Services spokesman Bart Hipple
This is no Jane Austen remake. Bart Hipple offers his inspirational story that is sure to be on the night-stands of many a student dining option maker. Hipple chronicles the trials and tribulations of Maryland food service leaders, as they attempt to succeed in having the world’s most complicated meal plan ever. Color photos from the Guinness Book of World Records are included.
Inside, university administrators can learn how to waste years of brainstorming only to roll out a convoluted plan that will, in all likelihood, leave hundreds of scrawny freshmen famished at the end of each semester. The final chapter, entitled “Crowd Control,” instructs readers how to face the scrutinizing press – by continuing on with a plan, even after disastrous trials.
OUR ROAD TO VICTORYBy Purdue Pete
Purdue University mascot, Purdue Pete, is hoping to take sporting guarantees to a whole new level with his debut offering, Our Road to Victory. In section one of the book, Pete archives the 2006 Boilermakers’ football season, with program-defining victories such as wins over the perennial powerhouses Indiana State, Northwestern and Indiana. These wins, in conjunction with tough, nail-biter losses to Wisconsin (24-3) and Iowa (47-17), has Purdue still feeling as though they were snubbed from an at-large BCS bid.
Section two prophesizes a Purdue victory over the Terps in the Champs Sports Bowl Dec. 29, predicting a 45-44 win. The difference maker? A boilermaker. Well, kind of. Purdue is working to reroute trains to pass by the Terps’ hotel the night before the game, weakening their wits, and hopefully dulling their aggression.
