Please: More of Barney’s dog adventures and Marshall’s quest to be a goddess and less of the Ted/Robin crap.

I am so incredibly tired of Ted and Robin.

I think I may be the only one who feels this way, but it seems to me that Robin has just become this fallback homewrecker. Every season, if the writers need to end a relationship or they need Ted to have some intermediate relationship drama, they just have him regress to Robin. He’ll suddenly realize he’s still in love with her, pine after her for an episode and then forget all about it when the next girl comes along. They make it seem like she’s his dream girl, the one he’s wanted all along but could never have, but I don’t buy it.

This week, Lily and Marshall inform Ted (very sassily – more on that later) that at the get-together they hosted the previous night, Victoria was dropping hints that she wanted more of a commitment from Ted. Despite his over-powering desire to get married and his long history with Victoria, Ted is still unable to get down on one knee for her. He thinks they’re moving at the right pace for a five month relationship, but the Ericksons (and later Victoria) inform Ted that the clock doesn’t reset on a relationship, it just unpauses, meaning that all the time they were together the first time around still counts. (Ted, grumpily: “A lot of really smart people would argue that the clock resets.”) Victoria tells Ted that she wants to be married. Conflicted, Ted returns to Marshall and Lily to try and figure out why he hasn’t been motivated to pop the question.

It is at this point in the plot that I need to interject information about Marshall and Lily’s role in this episode. Lily, Marshall’s newly appointed “Snap Sista,” attempts to help Marshall find his Inner Goddess. It sounds corny, but it’s actually pretty great, and leaves us with great bits like Marshall’s one true desire to earn a “Testify!” and his advice to Ted about Victoria, delivered in his best Southern woman accent: “Suga, you gotta let that nightingale spread her wings and soar to her own beautiful tomorrow.” Near the end of the episode he admits his Inner Goddess went rogue while at a bar, delivering awful advice. (“You slept together at spring break three years ago… that means something!”)

Anyway, so given this advice Ted decides to propose to Victoria. She says yes… but on one condition. Ted has to choose between his friendship with Robin or their relationship, saying that Robin will always be a road block for them – Ted’s romantic history with Robin broke up Victoria and Ted in the first place, after all.

Meanwhile, Barney has discovered a dog, whom he names Brover (“The bitches love him!”) and begins to wingman for him. (“How old is she?” “Five.” “What’s that in dog years?” “I don’t know, 35?” “We’re done here!”) Interpreting the newfound relationship between man and dog as a cry for help from a guy who is still dealing with a bad breakup, Robin invites Barney to dinner with her and Nick, who is a bit reluctant because he had wanted to celebrate the local daytime Emmy he won for his cooking show, “Nick the Bad Boy Chef.” (Some of Nick’s failed catch phrases are genius as well: “Who’s poppin’ a chub for some grub?” “Who’s ready to eat my meat?”)

While at dinner, Brover’s real owner calls Barney to say she wants her dog back. In a moment of the kind of genius acting we’ve come to expect from the one and only NPH, Barney very calmly stands, folds his napkin, neatly removes his jacket, throws open the balcony doors and kicks a leg over the railing before Robin can pull him back down. When Robin says she will go to drop off the dog with Barney, Nick protests, and it seems they’re about to call it quits (this episode is called “The Autumn of Break-Ups,” after all) but he later says he just needs to accept that Robin has guy friends.

Back in Ted’s plot, Ted goes back and forth between Robin and Victoria, eventually calling Robin out to the bar in the middle of the night with “urgent news.” We’re all certain that he’s decided to stay with Victoria, but at the last minute, the scene changes and we see that he is telling Victoria he can’t make that decision. Victoria leaves him.

As for Robin, Ted decides never to tell her about the decision he made, but we learn that, for some mysterious reason, she’ll find out eventually. As always, the episode leaves us with more questions than answers, but overall it was probably my favorite of the season.

Tidbits:

–I loved the reference to the Moseby Boys, solving mysteries with their trained pet squirrel, “Squirrelock Holmes.” Where do they come up with these brilliant puns?

— I really hated Victoria. Good riddance.

–“She’s not a lesbian, nor does she farm them!”

–“You’ll get there honey, Oprah wasn’t built in a day.”

–Rogue Goddess Marshall: “If you really want to get pregnant, just stop taking the pill!”

–“I gotta head back to the farm where I live with my special friend Maureen who I now realize is my lesbian life partner. Surprise!”

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