I was sitting on my porch a couple evenings ago, drinking brewskies and eating barbecue chicken with my friends, when it hit me: I should be the next SGA president.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. But then I started thinking about how the Student Government Association doesn’t do anything and how my talents would be utterly wasted there. I’m a real go-getter, you know? I’ve got big ideas. I actually want to get things done, so the SGA and I would never be a good fit. Besides, I don’t want to end up like SGA President Steve Glickman. Never. Ever. Oh my God, no.

So then I thought about becoming president of the university, since Dan Mote is retiring and all. But that just seemed too … boring. Think about it: Does anyone actually know what Mote does all day? Besides showing up at the occasional event and sending us e-mails that make no sense, I can’t think of a single thing he does with his time. And again, I hate to sound like a broken record, but I’ve got some big ideas, folks. This too seemed like a position I’d be wasted in.

Still, I couldn’t get over the idea of me leading this place in one way or another. It just made too much sense. So I thought about it, and I realized that if I ever wanted to lead this university, I’d have to go outside the system. That’s when I decided to become the university’s first-ever sultan.

Bam.

This will be awesome. As sultan, you’ll always know where I stand. Half of the time, I’ll be standing on the roof of Stamp Student Union, wearing an awesome cape and blowing a loud horn just because I can. How’s that for leadership?  

I’m going to ride around the campus all day on a majestic elephant. I will train this elephant to poop on the cretins who hang around McKeldin Mall and ask for your money. I guarantee this elephant will be the greatest thing you’ve ever seen. And hey, if you ever wonder why your tuition is going up 90 percent, I want you to look up at me on that elephant. There’s your answer.

A sultan has to live in style, which is why I’m going to build myself a baller palace, complete with a moat and a large indoor arcade. A sultan also has to eat in style, which is why my palace will have a built-in Chicken Rico. Hell yeah.

And the best part is, I’m in this for life. You can’t elect a sultan, and therefore you can’t ever get rid of one. I’m going to be as much of a university hallmark as Testudo or The Cuddler. In 20 or 30 years, when you take your 17-year-old on a campus tour, he or she will ask where that awesome sultan is. I’ll probably be feasting on chicken sandwiches in my palace, far away from everyone.

Man, this is going to be the best.

Well, as long as I don’t end up like Glickman. That would be the worst.

Mike Sanders is a junior history major. He can be reached at sanders at umdbk dot com.