University President Dan Mote, who will resign his post in the fall, announced yesterday that to leave his final mark, he will push hard to get the school’s mascot changed from the diamondback terrapin to the endangered giant panda.
“On my trip to the land of China, I fell in love with a little rascal named Ling-Ling,” Mote said. “Besides, with our great new slogan that everyone loves, ‘Unstoppable Starts Here,’ we needed an animal that’s actually unstoppable. Turtles are so stoppable. I kick those little f—ers around campus all the time.”
The terrapin has been the school’s mascot since 1932, when Mote was a spry 42-year-old, but he stressed a life-long dislike of the tiny, generally defenseless critters.
“I was once strolling around in Byrd Stadium after dark, which I can do because I’m the president, and I punted one of those bastards right over the goal post. From the 35-yard line. Three points, you f—ing turtle.”
Mote’s successor, beloved Department of Transportation Services Director David Allen, asked, “What do I care?” as he laughed maniacally from the peak of a mountain made of gold dubloons.
Sporting events will no longer feature a student in the famed Testudo costume — instead, despite safety warnings from the National Park Service, a live giant panda will be released in Comcast Center for Maryland Madness, and then hopefully never again. Park rangers predict catastrophic Subscribe to DiamondbackPremium to read the rest of this article
