With the Department of Transportation Services’ recent decision to increase rates at campus parking meters and garages, DOTS director David Allen has given students yet another reason to hate him (just in case the $75 tickets weren’t quite enough, of course). But we at The Diamondback’s opinion desk welcome our new transportation overlords and would like to assist Mr. Allen by brainstorming some other maddeningly capitalistic changes.
Add tolls to all main roads
Since commuter students need to come to the campus for class and many professors need to drive in for work, why not make a quick buck? With toll booths at all campus entrances, DOTS would easily cash in on commuters, visitors and even drivers just trying to cut across the campus. The coup de grace: students paying their tolls with Testudo-emblazoned E-ZPass receivers.
Sell four permits per parking space
While this seems like it would create nightmares of traffic and accidents galore as students fight for spots, there is an upside. DOTS could stage steel cage death matches for spaces, with students squaring off each day in a demolition derby-style competition. They could even charge admission to watch the carnage. Who said parking isn’t fun?
Start charging for the fire lane
Considering how many times fire trucks get called onto the campus because some inept freshman burned his popcorn, it’s a wonder DOTS hasn’t thought of this one already. Emergency vehicles have been getting away with the exclusive rights to the fire lanes for far too long, and it’s about time they start paying to park just like everybody else. Also, you can even charge the really long fire trucks for two or three spaces!
Pave the way for more lots
DOTS may have joined many other organizations both campuswide and nationwide in buying into the “going green” hype, but we all know “money green” is way prettier than “tree green.” Start haphazardly paving over anything that doesn’t generate revenue, and let’s get some more commuter lots! All those lousy trees around McKeldin Mall are getting a little unwieldy anyway. And fortunately for Mr. Allen’s wallet, Testudo’s got nothin’ on the Lorax.
