Who inspires you? Who is that one person driving you to greater heights as a human being? Is it Maya Angelou? Is it me?

Yup, it’s me. I’m the most inspirational person of all time.

It wasn’t always like this. When I was younger, I wasn’t an inspiration to anyone. In fact, I was kind of an ass. I was a bully. I lied all the time. I stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

But one day I realized that I wasn’t at all satisfied with my life, so I decided to turn over a new leaf and become the most inspirational person of all time. It was a pretty simple decision, really.

But being the most inspirational person of all time can be hard, you guys. For one thing, I’m always being asked to fix everyone’s problems. And that’s no 9-to-5 job. I’m on the inspirational grind 24/7. It seems that regular office hours are hard to come by when everyone is depending on you to lead humanity out of its collective woe.

And boy, do you people have woe. You’ve all got woe like whoa. Not that I mind being your guiding light, of course, but cut me some slack every once in a while.

Being a constant inspiration isn’t easy, and sometimes I just run out of patience. Like, one time, this dude came up to me while I was trying to eat and was all, “Mike, inspire me so I don’t publicly masturbate inside McKeldin Library!” But I didn’t say anything. I just sent him on his way. Am I sorry for how that one turned out? Maybe.

I didn’t say I was perfect, after all. I’m not always the greatest leader.

Speaking of which, ask Student Government Association President Steve Glickman how much I inspire him each and every day. Have you ever wondered why he’s always so chipper, plastering on that winning smile and leaving meetings too early and stuff? Right here, buddy.

And the buck doesn’t stop at Glickman. This thing goes all the way to the top. Every morning I make the long trek up to the university president’s residence and provide Dan Mote with some good old-fashioned presidential inspiration. Sure, he may not like waking up every morning at 6 a.m. and listening to me yell inspirational phrases at him through a megaphone, but it’s all part of the inspiration game.

Plus, if I wasn’t such a stickler, I wouldn’t have inspired Mote to reach his breaking point and increase the maximum number of furlough days to 10 in September.

The best part about being an inspiration is how humble it makes you. You think to yourself, “Man, I’m Mike Sanders. Everybody loves me. I’m the best. How can I share my gifts with everyone else?” And being the most inspirational person of all time is how I choose to share those gifts. So next time you see me, come up and ask me for some inspiration. You may be surprised.

Also, don’t be inspired to masturbate in a public library.

Mike Sanders is a junior history major. He can be reached at sanders at umdbk dot com.