I wish I had a time machine. Then I could go back. Back to study instead of party, back to ask that brilliant girl out on a date, back to stop myself from saying those hurtful words, back to say goodbye to a friend before fate intervened…
How unnerving it is that regret is both the most useless and menacing of emotions.
How wonderful it would be to walk again through the hallway of life, and leave walls painted purely by perfection instead of watching helplessly as the failures stack up, leaving little room for light to shine though.
And at times like these, when the sun runs swiftly through the sky, leaving night to linger with us for so long, life can be immensely dark.
For two of us this semester, the darkness seemed inescapable. And yet the rest of us remain shocked, confused and struggling to cope. And yet the rest of us refrain, “Why?” mouthing futile questions to find comforting answers at a time when life itself seems so meaningless.
While faith can be an eternal source of hope for some, contrasting its ideas of omnipotence and perfection with our incomplete and flawed lives can be depressing. And then there’s judgment -another reason this time of year is troublesome for so many. We have difficulty separating the illusion of grades, those immutable letters printed so plainly and crisply on paper, as an objective assessment of our value as human beings from what they really are – a subjective assessment of our comprehension of ideas someone else sees as valuable.
Aside from the everyday expectations of parents and teachers, some of us subscribe to an entirely unrealistic set of standards – that life should be one of literary beauty. That we must go out, seize the day, live each as if it were our last.
As if we all possessed a superhuman zeal for life’s possibilities.
Instead we’re shackled by self-doubt, insecurity and others’ expectations of what we should or should not do with our short time here on Earth. And somehow these nagging issues always seem to surface now, when the pressure is on and a sense of impending doom never leaves the room.
We must cope, though. Giving up isn’t an option.
We must talk about our problems, ask for help. Empathy from friends is never in short supply.
It doesn’t take too long to realize: Perfection is impossible; failure is fleeting; mistakes are valuable.
So few of us can escape the temptation to replay unfortunate situations over and over again in our heads, idly wishing we could go back and not make mistakes. Instead of living the future differently, we fall into the same destructive habits, and the broken record of our minds, stuck ceaselessly in miserable repeat, somehow manifests itself in our daily lives.
Somehow it is so hard to turn the record off, to stop wishing we could and to start doing what we should.
If we are ever going to escape the dissonance of disappointment, we must realize that yes, there will be more mistakes, but instead of dragging us down, each one will give us an opportunity to learn how to be better, richer and happier. By looking to ourselves for standards of excellence instead of blindly following others’ prescriptions and expectations, we can discover what it means to lead a good life. And while it is easy to write all this down on paper, following through is an entirely different story. And yet, if we are ever to emerge from the darkness and stride confidently forward through life, somehow, we must.
Benjamin Johnson is a senior physics major. He can be reached at katsuo@umd.edu.
