Much to my chagrin, all the classes I’m taking this semester are 400-level sociology classes. If you’re wondering why I’m not taking any journalism classes, it’s because I’m not a journalism major. I know you and the past 500 people who have asked me about this are very confused — but believe me, I’m more upset about it than you are. I should get an honorary journalism degree for my outstanding contributions to this paper alone. Or a Pulitzer Prize. Either one. I’m not picky. 

Anyway, to get on to yet more groundbreaking journalism, I present to you, “students you are likely to encounter in every class.”

1. The person who drops a pen then looks expectantly at you. Did I drop your pen? No. I’m just sitting over here quietly nursing a hangover. You pick it up. Someone did this to me in the middle of a two-hour math exam in which they dropped about 50 years’ worth of notes. Don’t look at me with those puppy dog eyes. If I lean down, I might stay down. Let me work on staying upright, and you work on not dropping shit everywhere, OK, butterfingers?

2. The person who never raises their hand and just bellows comments and questions at the professor. I know college is supposed to be a free flow of ideas, but you’re not contributing anything I want to hear, you’re asking what a histogram is. The professor is killing him or herself inside and thinking about retiring because the bright young minds of tomorrow don’t know what a histogram is. And I’m about to murder you because your voice sounds like a charging rhinoceros.

3. The person you met once but can’t remember when or where. You’re both going to stare at each other awkwardly for the entire semester, and you’re never going to give up on the hope that one day your brain will spark to life and you’ll see a vision of when and where you met. This haunting feeling will never leave you, and when you’re on your deathbed you’re going to say, “I never did figure out when and where I met that tool with the fauxhawk.”

4. The person making you look bad. They come to class with a briefcase and a bulging, rolling backpack and take detailed notes on their laptops. They always look well-rested and bring bottles of water, snacks and highlighters. They ruin the curve for the rest of the class. Congratulations on all your hard work and effort. Also, congratulations on being a douche.

5. The person who somehow managed to finagle about 10 friends into the class. They all sit together, talk the whole time, laugh obnoxiously and basically act like it’s a high-school lunch room. I get it — you have friends. I have friends too, but I text them under the desk during class like I’m supposed to.

6. The person who brings a laptop to class then goes on Facebook and YouTube the whole time. Look, I enjoy stalking people, too. And now, because I’m sitting directly behind you, I get to stalk you while you’re stalking. The stalker becomes the stalkee. Doesn’t that weird you out just a little? Yeah. OK. Now stop bringing your laptop to class. Read The Diamondback instead.

Bethany Wynn is a senior sociology major. She can be reached at wynn at umdbk dot com.