Just in case you haven’t noticed, it is summer. And in between my flying lessons and cliff diving excursions, a girl has to do something. That’s why I watch TV and surf the Internet, which is how I learned about the exploits of ex-possible-future-son-in-law of the ex-governor and first man of Alaska, Levi Johnston.
Here’s a good way to know a guy is bad news bears — he’s a fame whore whose only superpower to is impregnate girls. He’s posed in Playgirl and is trying for a reality show to document his surprise bid for the Wasilla, Alaska, mayoral seat. Also, rumor is he also is the father of ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia’s baby, though she denies it.
So since Bristol — and, really, a lot of girls — isn’t doing so well with her real-life man, I thought it might be better to look into fictional options.
Here is my list of the top-five male cartoon characters who would make better boyfriends than Levi.
5. Bugs Bunny from Looney Tunes — the prankster rabbit who is only listed as last because he’s a rabbit, and, well, that’s bestiality. He is able to use his wits to defeat the bumbling Elmer Fudd or Yosemite Sam. Also, he gets a lot of carotene from carrots, and he gets exercise from running away from attackers.
4. Mosquito “Skeeter” Valentine from Doug, who is only fourth because he’s about 12 years old and therefore a little bit illegal. However, he’s blue, kind, funny, highly intelligent and has the alter ego of Silver Skeeter, who is the equivalent of Quailman.
3. Ash Ketchum from Pokémon —the guy who’s “gotta catch ’em all” (Pokémon, not STDs). He’s got a close bond with Pikachu, which probably means he’ll be a good dad for Tripp. Also, you know he’s too busy with his hobby to be as philandering as Levi.
2. Trent Lane from Daria —the best friend’s “wise” older brother who is also in a band. Trent, unlike Levi, does not possess the cognitive ability to be a fame whore. Instead, he is more concerned with his music and is a little bit too lazy to be malicious and conniving. I had a total crush on him when I was younger.
1. Philip J. Fry from Futurama —a sweet yet dumb 25-year-old delivery boy who gets frozen and wakes up 1,000 years into the future. What he lacks in smarts and physique he makes up for with humor and sincerity. I have a total crush on him now.
Bristol has had it tough, I’ll give her that. Having a baby scandal that young is hard but must be impossible while your mother is trying to enhance her political career. Plus, it doesn’t help that your baby daddy has a repulsive attitude. I meanm if even a Fry — an idiot, albeit a sweetheart — would make a better baby daddy than a real-life, breathing human like Levi, something has got to be wrong. I encourage her and all women to run through this list of cartoon men to see if their own partner is a better catch than all of the above. If he isn’t, then ditch him. If he is, congrats.
Shruti Rastogi graduated in May with a degree in journalism. She can be reached at rastogi at umdbk dot com.
