In order to make up for a pretty egregious suggestion made in my last column, in which I suggested that everyone stop having sex and do puzzles, I’ve decided to dedicate this column to the subtle dance of the party make-out.
It’s an undeniable, if perhaps existentially troubling, fact that whether we’re conscious of it or not, the reason we keep trudging out into the night is the vain hope that someone, somewhere, will agree to put his or her face on our faces, if only for a few fleeting moments. Sometimes these people will even put other parts of themselves on our faces. This is probably what love is.
There are a lot of ways to initiate this beautiful, mysterious rite. It really depends where you are. If the party is large and features a dance floor, for example, you may notice some of your fellow party-goers taking part in “grinding,” which is like dancing, but with genitals instead of feet and arms. If you see someone who catches your fancy and want to ask him or her to grind, be polite and say something like, “Hey, let’s grind down,” or, “Are you down to grind?” or “Let’s make some sweet grindz.” These are all great phrases that will reflect well on who you are as a person.
Sometimes, though, you might be at a more sophisticated location, with a relaxed environment that encourages conversation and eye contact. Leave. There is no place for you there. But if that’s not possible, at least try and maneuver yourself and your prospective make-out partner into a more private location.
Once there, make a comment about some element of popular culture you both like, and then laugh and laugh like you are old friends. In the ensuing pregnant pause, lean inward with your face, pausing uncomfortably at an ambiguous distance from your partner’s mouth, before sheepishly looking at the ground and muttering an invented reason to leave immediately. Go back to the party and give high fives to all your friends.
In the weird and unexpected event that you are able to navigate the inherent situational social awkwardness and overcome the deep-seated self-loathing that would normally prevent you from kissing another person on the mouth, now what do you do? It’s best to give them a firm handshake before going on your way. Maybe, if you want, you might ask them to join you for a meal of food at a later date. Don’t tell them you love them. Unless it was a tongue kiss; in that case, you are on your own.
diversions@umdbk.com
