Diamondback cartoonist

I believe I am a good person. I hold the door open for others, I get up for pregnant women on the Metro, I don’t cheat on exams and I always use my blinkers. But even with all that good, I’m still damned to the fires of hell. Why, you might ask? Because I steal saltine crackers from the South Campus Dining Hall.

Before you run to your pitchforks and torches, let me state my case. I firmly believe crackers fall under the category of “condiment” and, as we all know, condiments are free. It’s my right as a flag-waving American to eat as much ketchup, relish and mustard as I please. In fact, I’m 95 percent certain that free access to condiments is in the Bill of Rights. 

While I criticize the South Campus Dining Hall for its policy on crackers, I applaud it for its assortment of condiments. It doesn’t just have barbecue sauce — it’s got Buffalo, Tabasco and an array of vinegars. And they’re all free. Fill a 32-ounce paper cup with Worcestershire sauce and chances are you’ll be paying only for the cup. (After all, we do have the environment to consider.)

Whether you use a dictionary or Wikipedia, soup crackers definitely fall under the definition of condiments. And since we’re still in college, I will include the Wikipedia definition: an edible substance, such as a sauce, that is added to some foods to impart a particular flavor. I’m not using these crackers on a cheese platter to entertain guests — I’m dunking these bad boys in chicken noodle soup! A soup without crackers is basically a burger without ketchup. Perhaps the dining hall should introduce a policy in which it charges for more than two or three packets.

The biggest travesty is I’m not even paying for the best saltine crackers on the market. If you are expecting  Premium Originals, you will be sorely disappointed when you see a big basket of red Zestas. Zestas are to Premium Originals as Pepsi is to Coke, so at least this university is consistently disappointing. On the bright side, 300 packs (that’s 600 crackers!) are available on Amazon for the equivalent of two weeks of cartoonist and columnist pay at The Diamondback. If I write enough columns complaining about the dining hall, I could fund my cracker habit for the rest of my life.

Let me wrap this rant up on a positive note. Just as I am a good person at heart, I believe the ladies and gents at Dining Services are good, upstanding people as well. In fact, they have an opportunity here to make up for every time a Buffalo chicken wrap has fallen apart on a student or whenever they don’t have cookies ‘n’ cream in stock. A few months from now, if you see tuition rise by $4 or $5 per semester, then you will know university President Wallace Loh read this column and incorporated free saltine crackers into our student fees.

Ben Stryker is a Diamondback cartoonist and a junior marketing and supply chain management major. He can be reached at bstryker@terpmail.umd.edu.