Stumbling into the multiplex like a boozy, unemployed drifter with no ambitions, The Three Stooges is an unholy mess of a film that reeks of stale farts and rancid nacho cheese. It’s a thermonuclear assault on intelligence, a long, horrible slog of soul-crushing unfunniness that forces audiences to wonder if they’ll ever manage to laugh again.
If I am to begin doling out the blame, I have to start with the Farrelly Brothers, who haven’t made a single funny movie since 1998’s There’s Something About Mary. Here, they play the role of low-concept plot stringers, separating three, semiconnected story lines into individual episodes.
In the first episode, Moe (Chris Diamantopoulos of The Sopranos), Larry (Sean Hayes of Will & Grace) and Curly (Will Sasso of MADtv) appear as kids in a Catholic orphanage run by a band of bumbling nuns, three of whom are played by Curb Your Enthusiasm star Larry David (in drag), singer and former American Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson and swimsuit model Kate Upton. I guess the casting director was in on the joke.
The second episode begins after the Stooges plan on raising money to save the orphanage from disbandment. On their path, they manage to destroy a hospital, play with pissing infants and burn a poor policeman’s chest with two, blazing hot steam irons. Does this sound funny yet?
In the last and most ridiculous of the three episodes, Moe ends up on the Jersey Shore, where he provokes poor Ronnie with a cheese grater and plays guido with America’s finest faux-Italians.
I’m going to stop there. I can’t imagine that anyone could possibly have a burning desire to find out where this is going. But, I am willing to be proven wrong. So, surprise me. Bash me over the head with Larry’s saucepan and tell me why I am dead wrong. Dazzle me with your theories on why Curly’s “nyuk-nyuk-nyuk” is one of the great witticisms of American entertainment. What’s that? You won’t? Oh.
VERDICT: Don’t see this movie. Save your money. Please.
diversions@umdbk.com
