Junior psychology major

My boyfriend wants to do the whole “swinger” thing. I want to be open with him, but I think it’s too much. What do I do?

You consider yourself an open person — you attend to your partner’s needs and want to talk to him about how you feel. But you know your differing views will lead to tension in your relationship. He’s asking you for something you can’t give him, and you have no idea how to proceed.

The first thing to remember is that your inability to engage in an open relationship has nothing to do with your ability to engage in a healthy one. Two people come to a relationship with certain values, and tension ensues when those values conflict.

Your boyfriend wants to have sex with women other than you. Whatever his excuse is, it’s clear he doesn’t value you the way a partner should. I would be curious to hear about his past and whether he has been cheated on or betrayed in a relationship. Those who have been betrayed in a past relationship can end up insecure in the next one. The basic mentality is that if they are unfaithful first or not fully devoted to monogamy, they won’t be attached enough to get hurt again.

Another possibility is that he was exposed to parental infidelity as a child. Parents protect us, provide for us and are our ultimate support system. Many children learn to view them as role models. When one of them does something that violates societal expectations, we have to question whether we value our parents’ decision or society’s standards. Your boyfriend could be stuck between the two.

College is also the perfect time for sexual exploration. Your boyfriend may feel he’s missing out on this experience but also that he still values your relationship. “Swinging” could be the twisted compromise he’s developed and presented to you.

Whatever the reason, you can’t force him to stay with you and refrain from swinging. There’s an underlying reason as to why he feels the need to swing, and you can’t ignore it. If you try to suppress his desires, he could act on them anyway without telling you. This leaves you with two options: You can either leave him or try to help him.

If you leave him, it’s going to be extremely painful for both of you. That pain, however, is likely less than the pain you’d feel if he were to cheat on you. It also may be less emotionally taxing than trying to help him. You’re not his therapist — you’re his lover. You may fail to help him, which could lead to a lot of frustration and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

Whatever you decide, it’s important not to question your own values. You may feel you’re being too conservative or that you’re not willing to try new experiences. But the point of dating is to try to find someone who shares your values and not someone who will change them. Stick to what you believe and decide what would be best for you.

Noah Robinson is a junior psychology major. He can be reached at noahumd@gmail.com. To submit an anonymous question, go to tinyurl.com/HumpDayDBK.