Dear Noah Knows,
I am really interested in meeting this guy I know from mutual friends on campus. We have so many of the same friends and and I hear his name all over the place. Even though I think we could be really cute together, our paths aren’t crossing. We are even in the same major!! What can I do to move things along and hang out with him. I don’t want to seem like a desperate guy but I feel like everyone is in his bubble and I just can’t get in!
There’s two possibilities here. The first is that you haven’t been successful in getting him to evaluate you as a potential partner. Maybe you need a way to reach out and communicate with him, in an effort to get him to notice you.
The other possibility, though, is that you’ve been really good at getting him to notice you, but he’s simply not interested in dating you. If you’ve been interacting with him solely with a flirtatious mindset, he may feel awkward because he doesn’t want to be a jerk by ignoring you, but he also he doesn’t want to lead you on.
If someone is single, they’re going to be open to dating pretty much anyone they meet. Think about your own life: You evaluate every person you interact with. It’s just that most of the time, it’s on a subconscious level.
You’ve evaluated this guy, and you’ve concluded that he is a romantic interest. But have you given him the opportunity to assess you? If he’s had it, and isn’t flirting, he’s probably not interested. I know that can be hard to hear, but it’s true.
So, create the opportunity for him to be exposed to you. We all know: If we see someone who we’re attracted to, it really doesn’t take much effort for things to develop…IF both people are interested.
A good motto to live by is this: The person who defines a relationship is the one who is interested the least. You’re very interested…but he may not be. So, take a cue from what he’s doing. Put yourself out there, and see how he reacts. Give him a chance to put you in the friend zone, though, because that may be the only place to which you’re headed. Good luck!
Dear Noah,
Sometimes I come across completely closeted guys. As an openly gay man, I feel sorry for these closet cases, but I still pursue these types and try not to judge their personal choices. However, I am feeling conflicted at the moment with this one guy I sometimes hook up with. He is a former frat guy, not out to anyone and even has a serious girlfriend. I tend to rationalize my actions by telling myself ”if I don’t do it, someone else probably will.” Is it ok to hook up with self-proclaimed straight guys, especially if they are cheating on their girlfriends?
These “straight” guys are only cheating on their girlfriends because you are enabling them to do so. Although you’re not the one with the girlfriend, and don’t have the responsibility of protecting her, you do have the responsibility of making your decisions based on what you know.
What I mean is that you don’t have to ask every guy you sleep with whether he’s in a relationship or not. It’s fair to assume that most people are not cheating on their partners.
If you know that the guy has a girlfriend, however, and you continue to hook up with him…that’s a different story. You’re potentially hurting someone you don’t know. But you already know that this is wrong. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have to use the rationalization that “if I don’t do it, someone else will.”
I think you do it because you find it incredibly hot and satisfying to have someone desire you, even when they’re already in a relationship. When he hooks up with you, he’s basically saying that he finds you more attractive than his girlfriend. It’s a confidence booster, and helps you face the insecurity we all have about our own levels of attractiveness. I get that.
You’re using him to feel better, and he’s using you to continue to deceive his girlfriend and be closeted. Does this sound like a healthy interaction? Would you be better off hooking up with someone who’s hot, and who can still boost your confidence, without perpetuating infidelity? I think the answer is pretty obvious.
When you eventually find a husband, what if he starts cheating on you? Let’s say you confront the person he was sleeping with, and the guy says “if I didn’t do it, someone else would.” How would you react? I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t just walk away and accept that kind of justification. Which means you can’t use it when explaining your own actions.
So, if you want to keep hooking up with him, no one is going to stop you. But don’t alleviate the responsibility from yourself, because you’re doing wrong on this innocent girl. And if you continue to hook up with her boyfriend, you better start owning up to it.
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