The Academic First Look Fair is in town today! Unfortunately, looking for trains with elephants or beach balls with seals attached to them will do you no good – this “fair” is designed to help the noble, undecided letters and sciences students stop waffling and decide on a major. The event offers a chance for an inside look at what each of the departments and areas of study at the university is all about. Don’t bother attending though – the Lite Fare has obtained a description of the only majors the university offers that you need to know about:
Carpentry and general contracting
This major offers opportunities to students interested in getting down and dirty with construction. Only flashy buildings and facilities for already financially stable areas are allowed projects however – working on the Physics building results in automatic failure.
Concentrations could range from students constructing a new level on Van Munching to field maintenance. Classes required to graduate include New Sports Complex Construction I and II and Grass Studies I through VI.
Material cost analysis
This program is a new addition to the Robert H. Smith School of Business. It is designed to fuse finance with construction cost analysis. Graduates must complete courses in Fuel Pricing Analysis I and II, Introduction to Concrete and Wood Cost Fluxuations and Explorations in Construction Budgeting.
Highly involved hands-on internships are available with the university to help reduce cost on new construction projects, while other opportunities include working at area hardware stores. After successful completion of the major, graduates can expect to receive minimum wage and a classy bright orange smock that says “Home Depot.”
Investigative reporting
This kinesiology concentration focuses on high impact investigative reporting on the attendance habits of athletes. Classes are conducted in the field, where students can expect to crawl through hallways, set up fiber-optic cameras and pass messages through carrier pigeon all for the goal of marking their targets “absent” or “unseen.”
Distinguished investigative reporting graduates are prized for their utter lack of moral values and are recruited heavily by the CIA and FBI.
Locksmithing
Locksmithing is a technical field of study that teaches students the inner workings of keys, deadbolts and other security devices. The dean of the locksmithing school is Dr. Danny Ocean, a former criminal and master thief, much like most of the major’s professors.
Lab classes are conducted in North Campus dorms, so catch class right down the hall from the shower! Lecture examples include checking if the door is already unlocked and opening a car door with nothing but a stick of gum and an empty beer can. This major really opens doors for enrolled students.
