With an eye toward expanding the Olympics and attracting new athletes, sponsors and viewers from across the globe, the International Olympic Committee will roll out several new sports this month as it seeks to capitalize on the first Olympics held in China. Here’s a brief description of some of the new games Bob Costas and crew will call on NBC later this month:
Pass Out
Competitors stand in downtown Beijing during rush hour breathing in the freshly polluted air. The last one left standing, gasping for air wins a medal and a lifetime prescription for asthma medication. Rumors are circulating the entire U.S. delegation for the sport hails from Los Angeles.
Sweatin’ for the Pennies
Athletes are placed in a sweatshop setting while given grueling, repetitive tasks such as assembling several hundred Mr. Potato Heads a day for shipment to western countries, all while being paid a fraction of a cent for each hour worked. The athlete who survives under these conditions the longest gets the gold (Made in China, of course).
Whack-a-Protester
Armed with nightsticks and strict orders to keep those pesky human rights advocates at bay, contestants roam the streets of Beijing, pulling down posters and cracking the skulls of all who dissent against the People’s Republic. Bonus points for arresting anyone connected to the Dalai Lama or Joey Cheek.
All-Day Buffet
Taking cues from the popular reality show Fear Factor, this event will have competitors gorging on cheap local cuisine and trying their best to stave off dysentery. Think of it as an obstacle course – but with parasitic amoebae! Home field advantage definitely goes to Beijing natives on this one, and it also explains why Michael Phelps was recently spotted chomping on some scorpion while swimming laps. Cross-training, apparently.
