I am not pessimistic by any means. In fact, the glass is always half full – of a gin and tonic – but the recent expansion of the holiday season has made me want to grab a bottle of Tanqueray and retreat to my bed for the next two months. Seriously, what is wrong with Americans these days? Each year the holiday season expands by a week or two. I was in the mall a week before Halloween and Christmas music was apparently “enhancing the shopping ambience.” Excuse me while I vomit behind the nearest artificial tree.

On the other hand, there are people who find the increased holiday term as a good thing. These are the people you find belting out “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” as early as Labor Day. If that applies to you, you may suffer from HSED, “Holiday Season Expansion Disorder.” Not sure if you are a victim? Here are 10 simple ways to determine if a snap back to reality is in order for you:

1. You replace your jack-o’-lanterns on your doorstep with large plastic statues of snowmen, reindeer or Mr. and Mrs. Claus. You blanket any type of plant life surrounding your house with lights: white, multi-colored, musical, icicle. You name it, you have it hanging on something.

2. Advent calendars are meant to be used from Dec. 1 until Christmas. But, lo and behold, stores already have them in stock. So, you might be suffering from HSED if you buy an advent calendar for use from Nov. 1 until Thanksgiving. Surely you can find some other way of counting down the days until Thanksgiving. Just use the leftover candy from Halloween.

3. Your meals consist of roasted turkey or smoked ham with sides of cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes and some variety of pie. Most people eagerly await Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. You think: Why not have a rendition of the two every day?

4. Your front lawn resembles the polar bear exhibit at the zoo. We all know how Maryland weather fluctuates at this time of the year. But come on! It’s 60 degrees outside and you have already taken it upon yourself to spread fake snow on your grass. The squirrels are still busy gathering their nuts for the winter. Don’t confuse them by spreading a fake weather disaster on their habitat.

5. You set out cookies and milk every night on your kitchen table. Why? “Santa’s coming. Obvi!” Everyone loves a midnight snack, but if you require your roomies to munch on your baked goods so each morning you can pretend Santa visited, they may consider admitting you to an insane asylum.

6. You wear red and green to Maryland sporting events. A HSED sufferer wears a Santa hat to keep their ears warm and jingles bells instead of keys for a key play. You may get dirty looks from fellow fans, but you don’t care. You only have two months to wear Christmas apparel.

7. You trade in your car for a reindeer. Giddyup Rudolph, and good luck with that commute. Trust me, no amount of carrots will get good ol’ Rudy near the Beltway.

8. Peppermint flavoring is a significant part of your diet. Peppermint gum and mints. Peppermint mochas and martinis. And of course, the ultimate peppermint indulgence: York peppermint patties. Seems as if your taste buds just can’t get enough of that “whisk-me-away-to-the-North-Pole” freshness.

9. You request “The 12 Days of Christmas” at the bar. Most people would say that each bar in College Park has a different musical personality. Cornerstone often has long stretches of techno, Bentley’s plays old time favorites like “Don’t Stop Believin'” and “Sweet Caroline,” and Santa Fe usually has a live band. However, not in ANY of these bars would it be OK for you to go up to the DJ and request a Christmas song. You should only dance to those types of songs in the seclusion of your home after many cups of spiked eggnog.

10. Every night at midnight, you run around your house shouting “Happy (insert day’s date) of November!” You then proceed to throw confetti everywhere and require a champagne toast from each roommate.

Olivia Logan is a junior journalism major. She can be reached at ologan@umd.edu.