A lot of people have been talking about how Chevy Chase Bank (full disclosure: my bank) is paying $20 million for 25-year naming rights to our football stadium. Apparently, the money will help pay for renovations to that crumbling dump and add some more luxury suites.
While I’m happy that steps are being taken to help our football program, there is no word yet if the most important improvement needed will be implemented: getting the idiots in the student section not to stand on the bleachers for all four quarters of the game. Public Service Announcement: You can root for your team very effectively without blocking the view of everyone else behind you. As a result of one row’s standing, each additional row has to stand up. It’s like “The Wave,” but vertical and no fun at all. C’mon people, I’m only 5-foot-6 and my feet get tired easily!
Anyway, because the Maryland football team has fallen on hard times, I say why stop at just naming the stadium? We could do with a lot more cash to help build a better program. We could do with better recruits and transfer players. We could do with better fan support. So, yours truly has some suggestions designed to “bring sexy back” to the Terps:
Put everything on sale. Sell the naming rights to the coach’s title. Our head coach is Ralph “The Fridge” Friedgen, so I’m sure Whirlpool might be interested. Also, as a money-saving measure, maybe we should cancel those “Breakfasts with Fridge.”
Loosen ethical standards. Let’s face it, college athletics really isn’t about education and developing character. We can set ourselves apart from our rivals if we allow car dealerships to pay our quarterbacks money for work they don’t do.
Actually, because all of our QBs are terrible, let’s just get that guy Rhett Bomar, recently kicked off Oklahoma.
Fine disloyal fans. We should charge students an exit fee if they leave the game early. Everyone complains about how university students show little support and don’t deserve their free tickets. I bet they’d stay longer if we told those cheapskates they had to fork over a dollar to duck out at halftime.
Punish players for poor performances. There has to be some accountability for the players when they blow a game to Florida International or Cowpoke State University. Perhaps if we started rescinding a percentage of their scholarships after each loss, they would be motivated to play harder.
Musical makeover. Bring back “Rock and Roll, Part II.” That’s a completely serious suggestion.
Play less-skilled teams. Every college preseason football preview I’ve read so far has Maryland pegged for a top-10 finish. Unfortunately, it’s in the context of us finishing eighth or ninth in the 12-team ACC. So I think we should switch to a conference with easier opponents. How about the Ivy League? I heard those Yale and Dartmouth eggheads aren’t very good, either.
Two words: Cheerleader wrestling.
There you have it – a series of moves that, if implemented, would guarantee a return to competitiveness for Maryland football. But I know the school administration is notoriously slow to change things, so for now, I’ll live with what we’ve got.
See you at Chevy Chase Bank Field at Byrd Stadium. (Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?)
Jay Nargundkar is a junior finance major. He can be reached at terpnews@gmail.com.
