So, my cousin got engaged this weekend.

I know Rihanna. I know. I said the same thing, girl.

Tangent: I never know how to spell Rihanna. I usually try and sound it out in my head, because I know there is an “h” and I know there is an “a”, but thinking about the letter order keeps me lying awake in my California King Bed.

I arrived at my cousin’s home four hours early. I’m an expert at dodging traffic, so I obviously left at 1:30 p.m. for a 7 p.m. shindig. Fashionably four hours early as I always say. I’ve met so many families this way. Friends’ birthday parties, going-away parties, graduation parties … four hours is the exact allotted time necessary to breach “family-friend” status. When the other friends arrive you’ve already heard about Aunt Phyllis’ 11th toe and Uncle Jim’s days as a circus clown in the Navy. You’re basically a second or third cousin at that point.

Kailea, my 20-year-old cousin, is at work until 7 p.m. Friends and family arrive around 6:30 p.m. She has no idea what’s going on; however, her newly dubbed fiancee, Brooke, has the entire thing planned.

I spend my time watching Minecraft videos, eating cheese and salami and playing with my younger cousin Kameron. I’m terrible at basketball.

ALERT THE CALVARY!

Kailea is off work. I see Brooke and she signs her nerves to me. Note to the reader: Brooke is deaf.

The pumpkins are ready, the hay bales are set and Kailea turns into the driveway. But we’re not completely ready. We have to light the candles. THE CANDLES.

“Kailea … we need … uh … two ice bags and some chips,” my cousin Kendall said for stalling purposes. Meanwhile, we already have three unused ice bags and four bags of chips in the house. I was hoping she’d pick six cases of beer or thirty slurpees.

But I’m in on it. Hugs given. Expressing the need for a retreat.

We leave. I hug her again and act excited about getting ice and chips to make it seem like it’s a really, really big deal that we’re retrieving them from Sheetz. CHIPS ICE YEAH

These are a few of my favorite things.

Can you imagine having a list of three favorite things with chips and ice as the top two? Not like laughter or long-sleeve T-shirts, but meltable solids and fried potatoes. Actually, I judge thee not. That sounds delicious.

We purchase the bags. We purchase the chips. We leave with the chips. And the bags of ice. There is a freezing burning sensation on my calves. I deal with it. Because I love marriage.

When we arrive home, everyone makes their way to the fire pit, except Kailea. My family lights the pumpkins and stands erect in front of the lit magically unchanged carriages.

We see Brooke and Kailea come out of the house and toward the bonfire. SWEAT. BEADING. From both proposal nerves and flame face. I accidentally unlit the fire as result of my perspiration. My cousin’s grandfather rekindled it.

As dreamy as most proposals are, the couple moved closer to the hay bale circle and my family slowly moved away from in front of the pumpkins.

Awwwwww.

Hilariously, Kailea noticed nothing. At least at first. We were all waiting for an ecstatic reaction only to realize that she had yet to realize. So Kendall exclaims “Did you read it!?”

“What?! No! Wait. What!?” Kailea yells.

Brooke signs to Kailea asking for her hand in marriage.

Side note: I looked up a sign language translation of “will you marry me” in Google images so you readers could see how beautiful it was and for some reason “will you marry me in sign language gif” comes out to images of “blumpkin,” “twat waffle,” “you motorboatin’ son of a bitch” and “we’re going streaking” sign language tutorials. Evidently, deaf proposals are incredibly vulgar and to the point.

Kailea said yes.

And after millions of family hugs, Kailea ran upstairs to grab the ring she had been saving for Brooke and proposed to her, too.

Looks like I have a wedding to look forward to, and a specific role in said wedding as well. Asked by the groomette herself to be her future “best woman.” An utmost incredible honor. I think the set date is sometime in October 2015, as Kailea’s favorite month is October. We have the same taste. And so does Brooke. October rules.

Cheers, you two. Your love is boundless and eternal. Rihanna approves. I think?