During the long week of introspection spring break afforded me, and hopefully you as well, I’m coming to this column with a bit of a backtrack. Polemic as it might sound for this publication, I consider it a moral imperative. You, the public of College Park, have come to know and trust me, so I must beg you – stop going to parties.
I’m not sure what I’ve been doing with my life for these last few months. Going to parties, writing about parties, a third thing I can’t think of – it’s been a waste. We’re some of the brightest students in the country, in the vibrancy of our youth, and I’ve been telling you all to go out and get drunk all the time? As if that were a cool thing to do? Frankly, I’m disgusted with myself.
Did you guys know we are actually supposed to be going to college in order to learn stuff? And like, read books? Do you guys even remember books? Do you remember anything at all, you inebriated hooligans? Looking back, I worry I might have been encouraging this sort of social disarray. Did you know our parents pay for us to go here? Like, it was their dream to pay for us to go here. And look at us. Nihilistic, beer-guzzling teenagers.
We file out of our dormitories every weekend and stand around in sticky-floored basements, yelling at each other over dubstep music and drinking Burnett’s out of Poland Spring bottles until we finally have the courage to rub our bodies on one another in a sick, purposeless ritual. We spend our mornings writhing over toilet bowls exchanging anecdotes with our roommates about girls we almost kissed.
Our memories of college have been reduced to a murky nostalgic swirl that we retroactively convince ourselves were fun, meaningful life lessons. And soon we’ll graduate, get monotonous jobs and cling to these flimsy recollections as somehow being the best times of our lives.
Next time you feel like going out to Cornerstone or some quagmire of a frat party, just don’t. Start a garden club. Do a neat jigsaw puzzle. Look another human being in the eye and have a substantial conversation with him or her. Remember that freshman who wrote a guest column about everyone not having sex for some reason? Do that. Maybe he’s on to something. Probably not, but I’m certainly not the one with the answers. That’s for sure.
diversions@umdbk.com
