Each weekday morning I sit in my car, terrified, debating whether I should head to the campus. And it’s not because I don’t enjoy the torture, displeasure and vast knowledge that come from hours of bum-numbing lectures and research in the library. Honestly, I’m a huge nerd and I love school and I’m quite all right with the fact that this confession affords every book-loathing student the right to laugh in my face and throw rotten fruit in my general direction.
The real reason I am so scared to embark on a journey to the campus is that the access roads and parking lots are certified deaths traps. And while students marched on Route 1 Saturday to appeal to state legislators for funding to improve their commute, I think they missed a much bigger problem facing the campus roadways – namely, most of the people using them.
If it’s not the mass of piss-poor car and truck operators who were mistakenly awarded driver’s licenses by some alcoholic motor vehicle administrator, it’s the heavy artillery of kamikaze bicyclists and aloof pedestrians keeping the campus’s minuscule population of decent drivers primed for battle and ready for impact.
A good portion of you know exactly what I’m talking about because you fend for your lives on a daily basis. If, however, you are finding yourself completely lost and confused by what I’m talking about, it would be because you, my oblivious publication patron, are that psychotic driver, biker or pedestrian.
You know, I obey road signs and I slow down and check the crosswalks before I proceed. So where do the sneaky bastards who constantly cause me to slam on my brakes in an effort to avoid vehicular manslaughter come from when they were nowhere in sight a full second prior? It’s no lie pedestrians have been drivers’ arch-nemeses since the dawn of transportation. Inspiration for the “points” game (where you assign points for things you hit, such as ninja squirrels, trash cans, old people, etc.) probably came from the very same on-foot idiots who terrorized horse-and-buggy drivers way back in the day.
Authorities exhaustively debated the content of pedestrian road signage, but reluctantly settled on “Yield to Pedestrians.” The sign that lost in the final vote, probably because of content length, likely read, “Pedestrians Are Oblivious Ignoramuses Who Care for No One But Themselves So Please Do Your Best To Mind Them And Not Splatter Their Guts On the Pavement.” Personally, I believe this sign would have served a much better purpose and left pedestrians and drivers with a better understanding of one another. Alas, drivers are forced to play what a clever friend of mine referred to as “a game of Reality Frogger.”
On a more serious note, I have a question. What the hell is wrong with the bikers on the campus? Half of the biking population has no clue about the basic functions of a bicycle (i.e. pedaling, steering, braking), which is chaotic in itself and has caused massive denting and scratching to the side panel of my car. The other half is a bunch of schizoid crackpots who race uncontrollably through the campus with no consideration for anyone or anything around them. I have deftly avoided far too many accidents with these two-wheeled guerrilla terrorists. Bikers admit their biggest fear is slamming into a car door that opens right before them. I am not ashamed to admit I would pay money to see this happen.
Finally, it is time to discuss bad drivers. Apparently the laws don’t apply to a good portion of the drivers on the campus. No stop or yield sign seems to slow down their mission to get to Lot 1 from the front entrance in under three seconds. Is there a law I don’t know about that states the higher the class of automobile you own, the worse you must drive? This week alone, I was almost plowed over by a brand new Acura TSX and some BMW I series.
Buckle up and be on guard. Diabolical drivers, dive-bombing bikers and hooligans on foot are waiting to take you out. If you choose to take matters into your own hands, remember bicyclists are worth 300 points but pedestrians are only worth 150.
Amie Ward is a senior kinesiology major. She can be reached at award3@umd.edu.
