This is the greatest and best opinion column in the world … tribute. A long time ago, I sat down to check my email in the middle of the night. A message from a demon appeared on the screen, burning bright.
And he wrote: “Dear opinion editor, write the best column in the world – or I’ll eat your soul.”
So I looked down at the keyboard and said, “OK.”
I wrote the first thing that came to my head, which just so happened to be the best column in the world. It was the best column in the world.
Republicans and Democrats across the land had nothing more to add when they reached the end – it was the best column in the world. It was the best column in the world.
Believers in all different forms of God exhausted their search for a logical flaw – it was the best column in the world. It was the best column in the world.
People from every single gender and race searched high and low for something to replace – it was the best column in the world. It was the best column in the world.
Needless to say, the beast was stunned. “Nobody is talking anymore,” he said. “Where’s the fun?”
So I looked back down at the keyboard and said, “OK.”
I deleted the best column in the world and I wrote the first thing that came to my head, which just so happened to be the second-best column in the world. It was the new best column in the world.
It taught people the difference between article and column; between opinion and fact; that just because you disagree with someone doesn’t mean he or she is wrong, and just because someone is wrong doesn’t mean he or she is stupid.
It taught people proper grammar and the importance of research. It explained how to identify a troll and avoid feeding it, and the cowardice of hiding behind online anonymity.
It taught people to recognize and eschew ad hominem attacks and straw man arguments, and that claiming to be offended by another’s opinion is not reason enough to decry its publication.
It taught people that sharing columns you agree with is more worthwhile than sharing the ones you disagree with because logical, articulate arguments are rare and valuable; it does more good to publicize quality writing than ridicule poor writing.
And it somehow convinced random crazies to stop spamming me with press releases about [insert political cause here], because I don’t even read them.
But this is not the best column in the world – this is just a tribute.
I deleted the best column in the world because I realized it isn’t necessary. I write for a student newspaper at one of the better universities in the world, so the people who read this column belong to a highly educated community of individuals. To publish the best column in the world would just be preaching to the choir, right?
But anyway, this tribute is just a matter of opinion. You gotta believe it.
Christopher Haxel is a senior English major. He can be reached at haxel@umdbk.com.
