What would it take for you to go on a killing spree from Thailand to Australia? In The Protector, it takes Kham the theft of his two lifelong elephant friends. Laughing yet? You will be by the end of director Prachya Pinkaew’s absurd kung fu endeavor.

Tony Jaa stars as Kham, and rightfully so. You may recognize him from Ong Bak, or you may know him simply as an international kung fu sensation. However, even his sweet moves can’t save this movie.

The first 15 minutes of The Protector, also known as Tom Yum Goong, show the deep-seated bond between young Kham and his elephants.

There are a handful of beautiful shots that show the young boy interacting with his pachyderm friends:

He naps in the cradle created by the elephants’ tusks, engages in a playful water fight (which the elephant overwhelmingly wins) or practices time-honored Muy Thai fighting techniques while his elephants watch.

Once the groundwork is laid to establish an emotional bond between Kham and the elephants, Pinkaew doesn’t waste any time getting to the point. The elephants are suddenly kidnapped by an Asian gang that smuggles them over to Australia.

That’s where the plot stops – and the nonstop action begins. Kham proceeds to go on the most ruthless killing rampage imaginable, brutally taking out anyone and everyone in his path for the next ninety minutes.

It’s not enough merely to knock someone out. Kham does it with style, bending elbows, shoulders, legs and necks backwards and inside out. After a while, the sound of bone crunching become mundane because the overwhelming jolts of violence are so commonplace.

Jaa masters nearly any physical feat you can imagine – and even a few you can’t.

In one fight sequence, he climbs up several flights of an elaborate spiral staircase, destroying armies of people who stand in the way of his ascent.

Fancy flips, kicks and jumps are at every turn, and if that’s all it takes to win you over, then this is the movie for you.

Unfortunately, the painfully nonexistent plot and horrendous attempts at acting are difficult to endure.

Every scene is reminiscent of a different level in a video game. Essentially, there is no development. It’s just the same hero and the same bad guys with a different background. Jaa advances from level to level, shouting the same laughable catch phrase with as much anger as he can muster: “Where the hell are my elephants?!”

More than half the dialogue is executed so poorly that it is downright funny. The sad part is, with all of the fighting, there isn’t much talking at all. The little dialogue is delivered with only a trace of believability.

It’s tough to completely blame the actors, however, when the script is the length of a children’s book and not nearly as engaging.

A number of the characters’ voices are also dubbed over in an obvious manner, which only serves to distract audience members further from what little there is to hang on to in the film.

When Kham finally confronts his toughest nemesis – an enormous bodyguard – the absurdity only continues. It is the grand finale, the fight to end all fights. Kham flies through the air and kicks his enemy in the head.

The bodyguard picks up a baby elephant and launches it across the room. And so on, and so on and so on. There has never been a fight sequence so jaw dropping and ridiculous at the same time.

When the film departs from violence, it throws in some pointless nudity. In one scene, several girls frolic about in a mud bath for some of the gang members. There was absolutely nothing artistic about it. These were naked bodies for the sake of naked bodies.

Again, if that’s what you’re looking for in a movie, be my guest. Naturally, the scene is cut short when an intense shoot-out breaks up the party.

Surprise, surprise.

The fight sequences in The Protector, definitely fast-paced and entertaining, are the highlight of this film. Jaa is certainly a talented fighter. No strings, wires or special effects were used, which makes some of the sequences truly mind-blowing.

But at the end of the day, he lacks the presence and inherent acting sense that have made other fighters, such as Jackie Chan, global superstars.

Bottom line: If you want to see Jaa kick some ass, look no further. But, if your movie going standards require a plot and characters, protect yourself from The Protector.

Movie: The Protector | Genre: Action/Crime/Thriller | Verdict: *

Contact reporter Kristi Ellingsworth at ellingsworthdbk@gmail.com.