George Mitchell, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. There. I’ve filled my quota, so let’s move past all that. Baseball’s come again. Santana’s a Met. Rolen’s a Blue Jay. A-Rod’s still a Yankee, and Joe Torre is a Dodger: The bullpen bell continues to toll for thee, Scott Proctor.
I’ve gotten ahead of myself, though, and I’m all over the place. Let’s break this down by division and take a good, critical look at the cream and crap of Major League Baseball. So, ladies and gentlemen, let’s move forward in an organized and orderly fashion.
National League East – We all know the Mets blew it. Big time. Seven-game-lead-with-17-to-play big time. So, they went out and signed the best left-handed pitcher in baseball. In response, the Phillies signed Brad “Get Me Out Of Pujols’ Division” Lidge. The Marlins traded away their two best players, and the Nationals traded two of their players to the Mets. The Nats also made moves to ensure their outfield would hit 60 combined home runs, six combined women, or both. The Braves, on the other hand, just hope Mike Hampton makes it out of a spring-training shower before suffering a season-ending grundel injury.
Needless to say, it’s going to take a mammoth effort on the part of the New York Metropolitans to piss this one away. Division champ: Mets.
N.L. Central – The Cubs spend the most money, but the Astros seem to use the most steroids. Then again, the Cardinals rack up the most injuries and tragic deaths, while the Pirates play the most inept players. Ah, who am I kidding? Everyone knows they don’t make steroid needles big enough to pierce Prince Fielder’s round hide. Pencil him in for another 50 home runs and a Brewer title. Division champ: Brewers. Wild card: Cubs.
N.L. West – Look, the Rockies, Dodgers, Diamondbacks and Padres are all in contention for this one. Great pitching, superb hitting and good fundamentals all around. But let’s recognize the real story here: The San Francisco Giants could lose 150 games. Think about it. One unfortunate injury to Matt Cain, who posted a 7-16 record last year anyway; one drop in production from free-agent prize Aaron Rowand; and one normal year out of Barry Zito. The Giants start a 37-year-old at first base, a 33-year-old at catcher, a 36-year-old at second base, a 40-year-old at shortstop and 30-, 33- and 35-year-olds in the outfield. This team is old. These hitters are terrible. These pitchers are awful. With the right breaks, we could be in for something very, very special here. Division champ: Diamondbacks.
American League West – God, what a depressing division. If Erik Bedard didn’t get traded here, you probably wouldn’t know it existed. Division champ: a sub-.500 team.
A.L. Central – Honestly, this might be one of the most exciting divisions in sports. The Royals won’t contend, but they’re on a youthful and exciting track. If they can stay healthy, the White Sox can play with anyone, especially with the addition of slugger Nick Swisher. The Twins lost big with the departures of Tori Hunter and Johan Santana. But Francisco Liriano is back, healthy and throwing as well as ever, and the Minnesota roster still lists Joe Mauer, Michael Cuddyer, Justin Morneau and Delmon Young as active players. The Indians showed they were a balanced juggernaut last season, and that was with Travis Hafner struggling at the plate. The Tigers, though, may average over 10 runs a game while only allowing two or three. I’m telling you right now the World Series champ comes out of this division. Division champ: Tigers. Wild card: Twins.
A.L. East – Orioles = young. Rays (dropped the “Devil” this offseason) = .500 record. Blue Jays = more injuries.
Now for the real meat: The Boston Red Sox are the World Series champs, but Josh Beckett plans on playing his way into shape, and Curt Schilling has a boo-boo. Without those two, the Sox win 80 games. Now, the Yankees’ pitching will be fine. The real question is how the offense is going to handle new manager Joe Girardi’s departure from Torre’s hit-a-home-run-at-all-costs offense. I think it’s very clear Jason Giambi wants nothing to do with small ball. The only thing I know for certain will happen: Hank Steinbrenner will make an embarrassing and vaguely racist remark about a Boston Red Sox player. Bank on it.
Division champ: LET’S GO, YANK-EES!
Daniel Kobrin is a senior government and politics major. He can be reached at dkobrin@umd.edu.
