Strippers. I only have one word to describe these fantastic individuals: Striptastic. So in honor of these G-stringed heroes and heroines, I am writing three columns in their butterfly-waxed name. The first is about female strippers, while my second column will expose me to the world of male strip clubs all in the name of comedy.
But don’t worry, ladies; I am still and will always be a proud holder of the heterosexual card. So, the third column is dedicated to you because I, the Vox, will audition to be a male stripper. Behold, Part I of the Stripper Series.
I have dreams, ladies and gentlemen. For some it’s being the president of the United States, for others it’s ending world hunger. Mine is to visit all the strip clubs featured in the Wyclef Jean song, “Perfect Gentleman.” So in Wyclef’s honor, I have proudly strolled through the dark, seedy doors of many boobie houses. From this experience, I have learned many things in this world of crotch rubs and stripper-pole yoga. Below are just a couple of the things I have discovered:
1. Strippers don’t really like you. One time, after 30 minutes of repeatedly rejecting a stripper, she said to me (naked), “Look, buddy, let’s quit the s—. I want your money, and you want me to rub my boobs in your face.”
I smiled and said, “I appreciate your candor, young nudie woman. Here is an Andrew Jackson. Let’s get it on.”
So please, gentlemen, don’t embarrass yourselves by giving strippers your business card, screen name or birth certificate because they won’t contact you. They just want the Benjamins.
2. Rejecting an ambitious, hip-gyrating stripper who wants to give you a lap dance is hard to do. Because of this, my strip club colleagues and I have devised many excuses; let me give you some.
One: Say you’re gay. Don’t say this in your most masculine tone; instead, put out a loose wrist and a pinkie with your drink and girlify your voice. After convincing her, don’t let her see you getting a dance from another girl or you might get a kick in the groin.
Two: Say you have no money. Usually, after hearing this, a stripper runs away faster than you can say, “Vox is an a–.” Your broke a– is not worth her time. A word of caution: I used this line once, and the stripper went into my pockets and took my wallet. Finding lots of money, she wouldn’t give it back until I paid for a dance. After crying, I conceded. Beware of the pocket-feeling stripper.
Lastly, just like the TV show Joey, just say no. Sometimes you will get an aggressive stripper who won’t take no for an answer. One time I said no to a terribly scary, goth stripper whom I can best describe as a female Marilyn Manson. Angry at my rejection, she said I shouldn’t say no to her just because she has three kids and a psycho ex-boyfriend. She was totally hot.
3. Take your time and choose, do not be chosen. Spend your hard-earned cash on worthwhile body rubbing. This is your only chance to reject 30 hot, naked women — savor it. Watch others get lap dances and see who does it best. I usually take no more than three lap dances. One dance for the hottest girl in the room. Second dance for the girl with the best a–. And the third dance is a wildcard.
Keep these things in mind, folks, because I speak the truth. Men and women should consider these tips. As my final point, I will say one thing: Women get the best lap dances in female strip clubs. They can do everything the man is not allowed to do. Take advantage of it. Damn the double standard! Sigh. I guess my next course of action will be to dress up like a woman. Oh, well. Come one, come all. Join the Vox at the local club, and as Wyclef says, “Meet me at Suzy’s rendezvous.”
Andrew Voxakis is a senior English major. He can be reached at VoxPhotography@yahoo.com.
