Greetings, Terrapins! I realize over the past couple months I’ve been dragging you through the dregs of College Park society, so this week I thought I’d switch it up a bit. Let’s take a moment to climb a couple rungs of social strata and talk about balls, formals, yacht races – you know, fancy parties.
I don’t really get invited to many fancy parties, so I’m going to have to reach back a couple weeks here and whisk you all away to the chilly February evening of the Senior Class Council and ODK’s Calvert Cotillion. It was a pretty glorious event, in no small part because it combines two of my favorite things in the world: semi-formal dress and seniors.
A brief aside about seniors: It took me more of my last school year at this university than I care to admit, but I finally came to the conclusion that most of my problems could be solved by shouting “SENIORS FOREVER” and then not addressing said problems. Paper due? Seniors. Late for class? Seniors. Need an extra semester to graduate? Seniors. Ha, seniors forever. Literally, for that last one. This is a great column for jokes.
Seniors notwithstanding, my time at the Calvert Cotillion gave me experiences that I think have a lot of broad applications for whatever formal event you find yourself attending. The key is maintaining an attitude of disdainful nonchalance and executing all of your actions with deft panache.
Let’s start with clothes. You should definitely wear them. Beyond that, I imagine you all know a cotillion is basically like Thanksgiving or a funeral in that the same dress code applies. But here’s a fun tip: instead of a necktie, wear a bow tie. It says to the world, “Yes, I am quirky and original. Also I do not know how to tie a necktie.” Both are highly valued in high society, where appearance is everything.
So you’ve got the clothes, but in a dramatic twist older than Family Matters, the big dance is tonight and you’ve gotta find a date! I can’t really give you advice regarding things such as “meeting women” or “feeling comfortable enough with who you are to finally let someone love you.” I’ll just say that if you’re going to a fancy party, bring a beautiful girl or don’t bother going at all. The upper echelons of society have no time for beat biddies.
Once you’re actually at the big event, just let loose and have fun! Talk to people – hell, talk over people. You are a fascinating and dynamic individual. If the person you were talking to had anything interesting to say, wouldn’t he or she be the one writing columns about parties for The Diamondback?
Enjoy the delicious food. By the time I arrived at the Cotillion, the only food that was really left were clammy chunks of fried macaroni and cheese, which is apparently something that exists. I still put it in my mouth. At a fancy party, blending in is key. Anything you want to save for later? Put it in your date’s purse.
Finally, just be yourself. You may look like you own the largest boat out of anyone else there, but you know your roots. You’re just a small-town kid who got lucky in this crazy country of ups and downs called America. Remember where you came from, and above all else, remember: “Seniors forever.”
