There was nothing I loved more growing up than watching cartoons. Luckily, we college kids grew up in the Second Golden Age of Cartoons, when three shows were at the height of their creativity: Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and, my all-time favorite, He-Man. I loved He-Man so much I still remember the sad day (last Wednesday) when I could no longer fit into my He-Man underwear.

I also liked cartoons from the First Golden Age of Cartoons: The Flintstones, The Jetsons and Looney Tunes.

While I still laugh watching Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, some aspects of the cartoons puzzle me. How come Wile E. Coyote only falls if he looks down after running past the end of a cliff? How does Daffy Duck’s beak not only go to the back of his head, upside down, after being shot, but also slide nicely back into place? How can Bugs Bunny dig such noticeably deep underground trails, all of which take a wrong turn at Albuquerque? Why is “Albuquerque” such a funny word?

That last question is a little out of place, but the other questions could form the basis of a cartoon physics class. Imagine how much fun that would be: a course in which watching cartoons is required. Classes based on The Simpsons are offered at other universities, so why not a class here devoted to answering questions such as: Why do cartoon thumbs, when hit by hammers, turn bright red and swell to five times their normal size? When will rocket-powered roller skates become a reality? Why does Porky Pig wear a sport coat and bowtie, yet somehow neglect to put on pants?

Even though this is the first day of the semester, some of you are probably itching to drop that upper-level government class you are only taking because that cute girl/boy you were “talking to” at the end of last semester suggested that taking it together “would be fun.” Unfortunately, a cartoon physics class — much like the chance of that relationship becoming long term — is nonexistent. But what follow are courses you might want to consider switching into instead:

SMIL432: Smiling During Any Situation (Professor John Gilchrist). It has been said that when you smile, the whole world smiles with you. But with the everyday pressures of college life (Should I wake up at 11 a.m. or 2 p.m.?), it can be hard to smile sometimes. This class, taught by the Terrapins’ happy-go-lucky point guard, will help students develop techniques so they can flash their pearly whites in any situation, from taking a test to breaking a full-court press.

TALL999: Really Tall Guys Sit Right In Front of You In Class. What is this class about? Who knows! There’s a really tall guy sitting in front of you! The professor could be revealing the formula for the meaning of life, or just showing his latest rash. But it doesn’t matter; you can’t see anything! Regardless, there will be a 37-page paper midterm and a final exam based only on daily PowerPoint presentations.

SEXX569: Pornography on the Internet (Taught by That Weird Guy Down the Hall with Naked Women Wallpaper in His Room). Every new media, at some point in its development, has been used to sell sex, and the Internet is no exception. Critics have complained about how easy it is to find explicit material online, while supporters say pornography is free speech protected by the Constitution. Students will view Internet pornography and then present their view on the issue to the class in a well-developed speech.

JOKE569: Making Fun of SEXX569. For comedians, there has been no bigger setup since American Idol tryouts than SEXX569: Pornography on the Internet. Students will learn to make such wisecracks as, “Yeah, the class is sponsored by Jergens,” or, “I have that class in my room every Tuesday afternoon,” or, “Finally, I can use the words ‘thesis’ and ‘midget group sex’ in the same sentence.” Advanced students move on to JOKE570: The Movies of Pauly Shore.

Keep an eye out for these classes. Also, keep an eye out for adult-sized He-Man underwear. I need a new pair.

Danny Jacobs is a junior journalism major. He can be reached at jacobs@wam.umd.edu.