To its credit, Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant does a great job of masking the fact that it is indeed a truly awful movie.
It’s fast-paced, action-packed and thoroughly invested in the fantasy world it creates. But on the flip side, the acting ranges from middling to terrible, the pacing of the plot is wildly uneven and the special effects — which the film rely on often — are amateurish.
It’s the kind of movie that a viewer has fun watching but likes less and less upon realizing how poorly constructed it actually was.
The Vampire’s Assistant (which is based on the first three books of a 12-part series by Darren Shan) stars the wooden-at-best Chris Massoglia (The Hole) as Darren, a good kid with solid grades and an immaculate disciplinary record who attends, on a whim, the Cirque du Freak with his best friend, the comparative bad boy Steve (Josh Hutcherson, Journey to the Center of the Earth).
From there, the two get swept up in an ancient conflict between the Vampires and the Vampaneze. The two factions differ mainly in their means of getting blood to drink: While the amicable vampires sedate their victims, the thuggish Vampaneze spring more for the rip-out-the-heart-and-feast method.
And somehow, in a bizarre casting move, there is John C. Reilly (9) as Darren’s vampire mentor, Larten Crepsley.
As it turns out, Reilly’s uninspired performance is the best in the film.
All scenes between the teenagers (besides the charismatic Patrick Fugit), including ones with Darren’s obligatory love interest, Rebecca (relative newcomer Jessica Carlson), are cringe-worthy line readings bereft of any sort of chemistry. Both Salma Hayek’s (Across the Universe) bearded lady and Michael Cerveris’ (Fringe) fat-suited Mr. Tiny do nothing but snack on the scenery.
The actors aren’t helped by the subpar script, which goes to great lengths to force-feed its audience the movie’s hackneyed message. And they’re not helped by Paul Weitz (American Dreamz) who can’t direct an effective action sequence without shaking the camera violently. And they’re not helped by the special effects, which look like they were done by someone who just graduated from the SyFy network school of animation.
The Vampire’s Assistant also readily embraces the most clinchéd clichés and groan-inducing lines. While the film never claims its idea is original, the familiarity of many of its aspects is just too much to take.
For instance, why does a character, after becoming “evil,” feel the need to suddenly spike his hair? Is it to remind people of his brutality? After his vampiric transformation, did he have time to make an appointment with his stylist?
And why did the writing team decide it was necessary to shoehorn in that silly message delivered so earnestly by Massoglia it’s amazing Reilly didn’t burst out in spasms of laughter? Why should a movie need to impart wisdom to its audience when the film itself is so unapologetically dumb in the first place?
Add in clunky, out-of-left-field bouts of exposition in the dialogue, a few poorly constructed montages and a reliance on the mediocre acting of the lead, and you have yourself a second-rate film.
And how bad is it when the best praise that can be offered for a movie is that its stylishness and speedy pace can cover up how lame it really is?
It’s too bad, because there’s something in here, somewhere. Early on, Massoglia asks Reilly if he’ll be able to turn into a bat and fly around. Reilly tells him that’s “bullshit,” and suddenly a million self-referential jokes can be made about how vampires aren’t like you see them in the movies. But, naturally, the jokes rarely flash that level of awareness.
But who cares, right? There’s money to be made!
So, of course, as the movie draws to its close, Weitz seems busy putting the pieces in place for a string of sequels.
These are sequels that should never, ever be made.
jwolper@umdbk.com
RATING: 1 star out of 5
