Fake Wallace Loh

HelLoh friends, students and countrymen. This is Fake Wallace Loh, speaking through The Diamondback instead of the usual Twitter. I come to you today in search of a successor. Please pardon the Loh puns and my poor writing for the next several minutes as you read this column.

It has been a Lohng academic year, but running this parody account has truly made my senior year worthwhile. My junior year, I watched from the sidelines as this Twitter personality grew and grew, and I knew that I wanted to somehow, someway join in on the fun. I interacted with the original Fake Wallace Loh both on- and offline, and when the opportunity presented itself this time in 2012, I applied to take over for the retiring senior: Greg Nasif, former Diamondback opinion columnist.

One day, while mindlessly slaving away at my summer job, I got an email with the subject line, “I am Fake Wallace Loh but you will be soon.” I nearly wet myself in excitement. I assumed the post in early July 2012, and I have remained enveLohped in a cLohk of secrecy ever since.

I admit to those folLohing the transition in summer 2012, I struggled out of the gate. However, once school kicked into full gear here in College Park, my throne grew more comfortable. I found no shortage of things to lampoon or joke about.

I’ve jabbed at myriad topics and people as fake president: our fiscally troubled athletic department, our campus administration, national media events, student groups, student activities, students, etc. I critiqued, bashed and made fun of, at some point, seemingly everyone and everything on the campus. Not taking any credit here; many times jokes fell into my lap, a la the crazy sorority girl email or anything the Student Government Association ever tries to do (#WTFUMD).

It was great interacting, both positively and negatively, with all of you. Some of you have been very loyal folLohers and have constantly retweeted, favorited or replied to my tweets day in and day out, no matter how corny they were, and I thank you for that. You don’t know who I am; you probably won’t ever find out who I am, but you kept me going all year Lohng. I enjoyed watching several university-oriented anonymous accounts rise and flourish. @UMDBoobs and @UMDConfessions, you guys rock. However, it has gotten a bit out of hand as of late — a fake BookHolders account? Try harder.

To those whom I offended at various parts of this year, I am not sorry. Lighten up a bit.

However, to the two main recipients of my digital jabs, the SGA and The Diamondback: I do respect you. I’m a daily reader and I see the hard work and passion you put into everything and hope you saw the passion behind my tweets — however, they are to be taken far less seriously (#WTFDBK?).

To (real) university President Loh, if you are reading this, thank you for not banishing me from the campus or imprisoning me in the dungeon underneath the Reckord Armory. I hope you appreciated the humor and harbor no ill will toward me. I wish we could have interacted more, but if you ever want to grab a beer or something, let me know. I’m 21, I swear.

Like my predecessor, I cannot continue to run this account once I depart from these halLohed grounds. I love this university, but I cannot bear to see this account run under the fluorescent lights of an office cubicle or the worn fabric of my mother’s couch.

I’m looking for someone with some humor, chutzpah and a touch of class to take over this account. If you think you have what it takes to be the next Fake Wallace Loh, please email me by the end of the academic year the reasons you think you should be handed the keys. In that email, I ask that you offer me some sample tweets you would send out as Fake Wallace Loh. I will tweet them and use the number of interactions to help guide my selection.

One last thing: #GoTerps #F—Duke #TheLohGoesOn.

Fake Wallace Loh can be reached at fakewallaceloh@gmail.com or on Twitter @FakeWallaceLoh.