Here in College Park, a curious subsection of female cubs recently divorced themselves from regular society.
At first, I posited that the early spring air triggered a hormonal reaction, which compelled the cubs to trek through the frigid weekend mornings with nothing but shiny rags, tiptoe-torture-shackles and tote bags.
Alas, furious research and naturalistic observations disproved this theory. Let’s take a look at the findings:
Round 1: The ritualistic migration, or “rush,” begins with alpha females, locally referred to as “Rho Gammas,” assembling packs of 10 to 12 female cubs and leading these timid creatures into countless clan houses. Several elite clan members within the houses will each cut off a cub from the Rho Gamma and the pack. The clan elites then engage the cub in the most torturous of tests: “What’s your name?” “Where are you from?” “What is your major?”
The strongest of the cubs manage to expose their teeth at all times, pushing the elasticity of the cheek muscles to their limits. This proves to the clan elites that the cub has high serotonin levels and shares similar interests, like neon clothing and Ryan Gosling. Both clan and cub females despise this portion of the ritual, but not nearly as much as they love lettered tote bags.
At the end of the weekend, suffering from internal cheek bleeding, the young cubs offer a sacrifice to the Hellenic gods in the hopes of an invitation to repeat this ritual next weekend.
Round 2: The interrogations grow more intimate as the clan now only opens its doors to designated cubs. Here, cubs must choose clothing vigilantly as not to upset the clan members. One clan member described it as “classy, but like if you’re going to a lesbian bar and don’t want to get hit on.” For the first time, the entire clan exposes themselves to the cubs, usually in song and dance. On the last day of interrogations, cubs only gain entrance into a couple clan houses. In this one final test of cheek muscle mutilation, clan members each interrogate only one cub for nearly an hour.
This encounter leaves cubs in a state of psychological and emotional panic. At nights end, they tell the Rho Gamma which tote bag letters they long for most. Some cubs reach a point of such turmoil, they tragically “suicide.”
Round 3: The young female cubs awoke Monday to meet their fate. The wise Sorting Hat of the Hellenic gods assigns each cub to a clan, while some suicidal cubs remain hapless “GDIs,” as the clan-folk say.
At dusk, all the cubs assemble in the holy temple to hear some holy Hellenic sermons and do other stuff that involves swimming in estrogen. Upon leaving the temple, the cubs partake in the oldest ritual of all: The Running of the Bulls. The local villagers throw bagels and water balloons while the hundreds of stampeding cubs storm across Route 1 into their new clan houses.
Returning home in the evening, the cubs find primitive sketches on their doors and possibly candy, signifying their transformation into a fellow clan member.
Despite all the trauma and turmoil, the system succeeded: Most cubs find a home amongst the clanswomen and can sleep easy knowing they will soon have all the lettered shirts, pants and tote bags they could ever want.
Now, back to real life.
Nadav Karasov is a sophomore economics major. He can be reached at karasov@umdbk.com.
