I’m not convinced that all students who venture out to the bars in College Park actually have a good time.

There are guys who fight, girls who cry and singles with high expectations who head home defeated and alone. After a $40 bar tab and thinking the whole place is one big group of friends you don’t know, the bars begin to resemble more of a thieving brothel than a classy drinking establishment. 

Now, I speak purely from an observational perspective — like Rodney Dangerfield, I don’t get much respect — but good times are my specialty. So if you’ve experienced misfortune while barhopping along Route 1, allow me to share some tips that will improve your nightlife.

1. Never go out alone

This is a typical rookie mistake. Going out alone can mean one of two things: Either you’re an underage alcoholic or friends are something of a novelty for you. Do your image a favor and go out with a group of people — the larger the better.

2. Change up the scenery

Being 21 opens your eyes to what a bar really is — real drinks, semi-crowded atmosphere and most importantly, no cover. Nowhere in College Park does this exist. Nevertheless, these places to drink and dance can still be fun as long as you rotate through the sweet spots. The first spot you’ll want to reserve is a group rendezvous point. Ideally, this place should be far away from the speakers. When the music is too loud, people exchange difficult conversations for free drinks. It’s a dirty little trick every bar here takes advantage of. Don’t fall for it. The only other spot you should be concerned with is the middle of the dance floor.

3. Dance like you mean it

Believe it or not, a lot of people (mostly creepy guys) have a hard time finding their rhythm. To compensate, these people grope, fidget and head bob their way suspiciously through the crowd. If you see them, don’t follow; they’re just making a few laps.

To avoid such douchebaggery, loosen your limbs, and stop giving a shit. As long as you avoid knocking over drinks and stepping on toes, people will think you’re just out having a good time.

Luckily, I never lost my groove, so I’m 10 blocks ahead of Stella.

4. Leave the desperation at home

Having high expectations in College Park is a foolish mistake. No matter how well you pretend, people know when you’re trying too hard. Here’s a hint: Strip the ego, and stop banking on scoring with some drunken mess. If you act naturally, your batting average will increase significantly.

5. Wear 3-D glasses

Trust me, this works every time. Grab those cheap plastic frames you lost somewhere in your room, and let them do the talking. No, they won’t actually work, but wearing goofy glasses that don’t dim your vision is a neat little trick.

Plus, you won’t freak out when you drop them on the ground. Be sure to seek out someone wearing red and blue. You might trip balls.

Jason Kramer is a junior American studies major. He can be reached at kramer at umdbk dot com.