While most of you were happily enjoying your summer away from the campus, The Lite Fare was here rescuing all the news stories that somehow failed to make The Diamondback’s summer pages.
Though Chevy Chase Bank’s purchase of Byrd’s naming rights stole the headlines, other corporate sponsorships confusingly ended up on the cutting-room floor. But never fear: they have been resurrected from the depths and survive proudly in The Lite Fare.
Lonny Baxter sponsored by Glock, Inc.
Feeling that former Terp basketball standout Lonny Baxter needed some form of protection on the rough streets of Siena, Italy, Glock Incorporated extended a helping hand. After signing an endorsement contract Aug. 15, “LB” wasted no time showing off his new sponsor’s finest line of pistols, bringing the product to President Bush’s doorstep. Unfortunately, Lonny failed to notify the Secret Service of his exhibition and was arrested the morning of Aug. 16.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was said to be in attendance for the exhibition, still searching for a weapon that could actually end the war in Iraq. Not impressed, Rumsfeld met with former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett to discuss other options. Undaunted by this rejection, Lonny will try to reach Glock’s target audience while he serves his 60-day jail sentence.
Sobriety checkpoints sponsored
by the Thirsty Turtle
This summer, College Park’s soon-to-open fourth bar was still considering how thirsty Terps really are. In an incredibly impressive display of creativity, the Thirsty Turtle sponsored the University Police for market research. Setting up numerous DUI checkpoints in College Park, police caught up to 20 drunk drivers a night, indicating that college students do, in fact, drink too much. After the resounding success of this project, the Thirsty Turtle declared that it had indeed judged its target demographic wisely and would open to the masses (and their wallets) as soon as possible.
The University of Maryland sponsored by Chevy Chase Bank
After the largest bank in the Washington metropolitan area purchased the naming rights to the field at Byrd Stadium, bank executives decided to buy the rights to the entire university. Starting in 2007, the university will be known as “The Chevy Chase Bank’s Institution for Higher Profits.” While details of the agreement have not yet been publicly disclosed, sources close to the deal said ATMs will be installed in every building on the campus, with $57 charges for non-Chevy Chase Bank users.
