University President Dan Mote’s holiday is here (no, it’s not 4/20, but feel free to get him a Testudo-shaped bong). This Saturday’s Maryland Day presents a slew of unprecedented events: Mote ass-kissing, the distribution of free plastic crap and the requisite rainy Maryland forecast. Below is a list of Maryland Day events your calendar will kick you for missing.
Shawne Merriman’s bobbing for bling
Merriman will offer his own variation of bobbing for apples. Dunk your head into the Shawne Sinkhole and fish for some of Shawne’s castoff bling, ice and Terrapin football gear. Proceeds go to the Merriman Moola fund, which will subsidize Shawne’s income and the loss of several million dollars he sustained after only being picked 12th in the NFL Draft.
Southern Management’s rent gouge
Let trained Southern Management Corp. minions practice their magic on your wallet. You’ll be amazed at how quickly your cash disappears without your knowledge. Then exercise your angry rhetoric on unsympathetic phone operators. Southern Management’s tricks will have you feeling like you’ve been sawed in half by a magician.
Liquor stores’ countdown to midnight
Journey through a keg full of root beer or Milwaukee’s Best — your choice — in a race against time. When the clock strikes midnight, be the first to finish your beverage or, like Cinderella, you will have to leave the ball. Police escorts will take you to the edge of the campus; good luck finding your car while inebriated. Younger Terps can compete with 12 shots of Kool-Aid or milk.
University Police’s crimehouse
This inflatable obstacle course is full of surprises, such as armed robbers, knife-wielding murderers and pyromaniacal arsonists. Dodge rubber bullets from riot police and pistol whippings from criminals. Either give up your $12 and student ID card or put up a fight — either way, it’s bound to give you heart failure. Recommended for people who are under age 60.
University Senate’s naptime
Take a break from your busy Maryland Day schedule with the University Senate’s complimentary rest station. Chairman Art Popper and company — those who show up, that is — will serenade you with lullabies about teacher course evaluations and plus-minus grading. Free blankets made out of the senate’s agenda will be provided.
