Q: Why do you always hate on Thirsty Turtle so much?
A: This is my last semester at the university, and I would like to set the record straight about something: I love Thirsty Turtle. It’s one of my favorite college institutions, right behind The Diamondback and Chicken Rico. I realize going to Cornerstone Grill and Loft is really mature, going to The Mark Lounge is really classy, going to Washington is for people who are really 21 and not going to the bars is really edgy, but Thirsty Turtle is really awesome.
We need to be honest with ourselves about why we love the university. It’s not for diversity, athletics, academics or location. It’s because our school is simply collegiate as f–––. We go to a huge state school with a real campus. Kids are just trying to have a good time. And if we happen to get a degree somewhere along the hazy journey, I guess we wouldn’t throw it away. When they make movies such as Animal House or Van Wilder, I feel like I am being personally saluted. Why thank you. Yes, I agree, college is sweet, and I go to one.
I used to think I wanted to go to a small liberal arts school where I could hang out with kids who share my burning passion for jazz and smoking cigarettes in fingerless gloves. Then I spent my first semester feeling sorry for myself for not having $200,000 at my disposal. What I know now is that I want to be in a place where the first week of classes means a week of free excessive drinking on fraternities’ dimes. If there is someone on this planet with “The Situation” written above a Chevy Chase card drawn on their abs at a basketball game trying to win 100 bucks, I want to be there.
Thirsty Turtle is like a microcosm for everything we love about this university. People are pretty good-looking, and if not, it doesn’t really matter because we’re pretty drunk. The girls who go there are overtly young and overtly DTF. My fake ID had no hologram, was expired, said I was 32 and featured a strange Latina woman. Sometimes the bouncers will laugh, but they will always welcome you with their warm hearts and huge arms. I bet you could show them a Post-it note with the number 21 on it, and you’d be cash. And where else can you go besides YouTube to hear “LOL Smiley Face” played twice in a row?
This is what we came here for. This is what it means when we say these are the best years of our lives. Sure, I’ve made some jokes at Thirsty Turtle’s expense, but it’s only out of love (and insecurity because I know at heart I’m barely cool enough to hang out there).
More than all of the other bars on Route 1, Thirsty Turtle has all the makings of a good time. So yeah, we make out in public sometimes when we go there, and sometimes we throw up on each other afterwards. But haters go home. Fear the Turtle.
Esti Frischling is a senior English major. She can be reached at esti at umdbk dot com.
