In the popular musical Avenue Q‘s opening song “It Sucks To Be Me,” the unemployed 32-year-old main character asks, “What do you do with a B.A. in English?” It is an attempt to be cute and funny. But as an English major about to be thrust into the real world, the song loses some of its humor. Instead, it sort of makes my chest tighten and my breathing more labored. Sure, I’ve accomplished a lot in my four years of English study. I’ve read a bunch of books, learned different philosophies, theorized the meaning of life and listened to my classmates’ opinions and feelings, but I still feel a bit unprepared for certain things. Things like … an occupation.

How jealous I am of those who chose majors with direct career paths, salaries and secure futures! Accounting majors can be accountants. Psychology majors can be psychologists. Architecture majors can be architects. But English majors? English isn’t a job. English certainly isn’t a category box to click on Monster.com.

People always say an English major can do anything. And it’s true; we do have a lot of post-graduation options. We can teach English, go to graduate school, quietly read some more books, sit still, waitress, deal drugs … the possibilities are endless.

I find that even the smaller things in life are sometimes harmed by my choice of major. For example, I can’t really enjoy the board game Cranium. Cranium has all kinds of fun challenges like molding clay, drawing with your eyes closed, acting things out, whistling popular songs, etc. But if your teammates find out you’re an English major, you’re not going to get a chance to do any of that. Your teammates are going to rely on you to spend all your turns answering the “Word Worm” questions. The category asks you to complete tasks like spelling words, spelling words backward and defining words you haven’t seen since the days of SAT flash cards. Fun. Certainly sounds like a game to me.

And listen, just because I’m an English major does not mean I’m good at spelling. That is not what English majors study. So I refuse to take blame, or even be embarrassed, when I mess up spelling “outrageous” backward and we end up losing the board game.

As bitter as I am about certain game nights, I don’t want to totally bad mouth my major. There are some good aspects in English. I get to read stories. I don’t ever have to do math. (However, I’ve found that being out of practice in math can prove quite embarrassing when, for example, after going out to dinner, all your friends watch as you struggle to calculate your portion of the bill).

One of the best aspects of the major is that English homework is made up of two components: reading books and writing papers. Thus, at least 50 percent of the homework can be done while in bed. I’m pretty sure the hand-held size of most novels means they are meant to be read in bed – or at least while lying down on something fairly soft. And if you have a laptop, well, look who’s doing 100 percent of her homework in her bed!

Other positive sides of the major are specific to this university. The English department’s location alone offers perks. Susquehanna Hall frequenters are made privy to all sorts of information those who stick to the more populated sections of the campus never see. For instance, ever wonder how food gets delivered to the South Campus Dining Hall? We English majors see those deliveries in action at least once a week because Susquehanna is right behind their loading docks! Jealous?!

Ever gotten lost in the giant Physics/Chemistry/Any Kind of Science building? Well, Susquehanna is a small symmetrical box that doesn’t have winding corridors, confusing numbering, more than two entrances or a computer lab! It couldn’t be easier to navigate. So, think about that next time you’re five minutes late on the first day of school because you couldn’t find your classroom! … sucker.

I guess every major has its ups and downs. Sure English doesn’t have a step-by-step career path set up for me. But if I’m in the mood for overpriced snacks and long lines, the Commons Shop is literally two minutes from my classroom building.

Talk about awesome.

Clara Morris is a senior English major. She can be reached at cmorris2@umd.edu.