Photo courtesy of YouTube.
You’ve likely wondered why that person you matched with on Tinder isn’t responding to your messages. You’ve probably been perplexed by the possibility of making an open relationship work. You might have questioned whether or not you’ll ever find that “soul mate” you’re after and maybe even found yourself tiring of today’s vast and tech-savvy dating world, yearning for something — anything — else. You, everyone you know and, apparently, Aziz Ansari.
It might seem strange, but right now the stand-up comedian is pretty much the most prolific researcher of contemporary courtship. While many entertainers write essays and memoirs, Ansari’s recently released Modern Romance, his first literary venture, is a surprisingly science-based study of romantic evolution. Withhold whatever initial skepticism you might have, though: As it turns out, Ansari knows exactly what he’s talking — or, in this case, writing — about.
You see, Ansari had a dilemma, as he explains in the book’s introduction. He met a great girl at a party. The two immediately hit it off, quickly exchanged numbers and agreed they’d see each other again soon. But when Ansari texted her about an upcoming Beach House concert (he and the girl had listened to the band’s music the night they met), he received only unending silence. What happened?
The situation is a familiar one, and it serves as key support for Ansari’s authorship: He’s someone who’s obviously adept and understanding of the millennial dating crisis. With the help of New York University sociology professor Eric Klinenberg, Ansari made it his mission to analyze what he coins “modern romance,” and what emerges is a book that is equal parts academic journal and beach read.
Are we overwhelmed with the myriad of romantic choices that exist? Was dating really much easier for our grandparents than it is for us? Is cheating in relationships simply inevitable? Ansari and Klinenberg consult experts as well as conduct their own research — organizing focus groups around the world and engaging in conversations on Reddit — to find out. The results aren’t particularly shocking, but for readers interested in the subject matter, Ansari and Klinenberg’s work at least provides satisfying answers to these questions that consume us.
For those less interested in the topic, though, Modern Romance’s appeal can still be found in Ansari’s storytelling. Consistent with the style of his stand-up, Ansari seesaws between the silliness of a manboy and the charm of a romantic idealist. Among the most enjoyable bits of the book are absurd anecdotes about a doughnut-stealing senior citizen he encounters in a focus group and hypothetical scenarios involving murderous online stalkers he uses as an excuse to avoid virtual dating sites and apps.
Unlike some of its self-help predecessors, Modern Romance’s conclusions are notably optimistic, not to mention feminist as well. Rather than merely present an understanding of the problems he sees with today’s dating culture, Ansari offers solutions (again, with the help of Klinenberg and other experts). And instead of reducing the opposite sex to a stereotype or an enigma (as an excessive number of love and relationship advice books do), Ansari explains how dating can be difficult for both men and women, though often for different reasons.
But disappointing is the fact that Modern Romance focuses predominantly on the evolution of heterosexual relationships in the United States, though Ansari explains in the book’s introduction how exploring beyond would be too hefty an undertaking. Fortunately, some surface analysis of dating habits in the 1950s, abroad and in the LGBT community allows for a little bit of enlightening compare-and-contrast.
Modern Romance is written mainly for the dater unlucky in love, but, nonetheless, the more successful millennial will still enjoy the book — if not for its relevance, then at least its comedy. The book’s biggest feat, though, is that it leaves all who read it hopeful the trials and tribulations of today’s dating scene will yield romance that is ultimately worth the work.
