chipotle
To my almost lover,
I regret to inform you that your masterpiece is a lie. You see, the first bite fooled me into thinking that I had found bliss and true love, but you turned out to be a bigger disappointment than the tilapia served in the fucking South Campus Dining Hall.
You tickled my taste buds in that first bite — a perfect mixture of guacamole, sour cream and just a hint of corn. However, I proceeded with my usual caution as my fork dove deeper into my sacred burrito bowl.
My fork led me to a newfound dread, the subject of this open letter: cilantro.
For those of you who don’t know, cilantro is an herb derived from coriander leaves. Cilantro is common in Spanish and Mediterranean foods, and unfortunately for you Chipotle, it has found its way into your establishment.
I am not alone in this hatred. Scientists have found that certain percentages of populations are “genetically wired” to have an aversion to the taste of cilantro, according to an article on gizmodo.com. In fact, culinary goddess Julia Child also took offense to the taste. And in case you didn’t know, she has a movie about her mastery of cooking.
However, Ms. Child and I are not the only ones with a strong affliction to the taste. Many of you live among us and are lucky enough to never have encountered the horror. Those who are less lucky find themselves speaking out on various media platforms. There is a Facebook page entitled “I Hate Cilantro” with more than 18,000 likes, and there is even a website, ihatecilantro.com, where fellow cilantro haters can vent about the herb’s ubiquity.
To me, cilantro tastes like a very soapy and metallic stinkbug. No, I haven’t tasted a stinkbug before, but cilantro tastes how the horrid creature smells.
The word “coriander” is derived from the Greek word “bedbug,” as the smell was often compared to that of bugs found in bedclothes, according to a New York Times article.
But my woes have only just begun.
Not only is cilantro present in the purity of your white rice, but it is also found in your corn salsa. To make matters worse, many customers are living in a world of ignorance. Those who do not share my repugnance to the taste have suggested I order the brown rice instead, claiming it does not have cilantro in it.
LIES.
The brown rice also contains cilantro. I have checked our local Chipotle establishment multiple times, and each time my heart was brutally broken.
Chipotle, I’m not asking for an entire menu revitalization here. I’m trying to help you. Think of how many customers’ hearts have been crushed because of this nonsense. It could be cost-effective to develop a brown or alternative rice that truly contains no cilantro. Customer satisfaction would increase, and my taste buds could once again rejoice in the magnificent burrito bowl.
