There’s no other way of saying this: I am, and have always been, a fat kid. As you can imagine, this has ruined so many aspects of my life that it’s hard to know where to begin. Certainly girls have always been a source of frustration for me. I mean, I look like Kathy Bates with chest hair; most self-respecting women won’t spend a sweaty night in bed with the unshavable Molly Brown, no matter how many drinks I buy them. All of this weight really puts me at a disadvantage, you know?
Well, maybe not. Maybe being a tad bit chubby isn’t the end of the world. Sure, I can’t take my shirt off in public without a member of Christians on Campus running up to me and letting me know God has a plan. I get green with envy when a gaggle of Terp Runners speed past me, laughing and carrying on with their chiseled, toned bodies. And yes, I keep my shirt on when I go swimming. In case you’re wondering, it’s as awkward for me as it is for you.
But I’ve still got my health, right? Wait a minute, I’m fat. I don’t have my health at all. Shit.
At least I’ve still got my sanity, which is probably more important anyway. I’m not comfortable with my weight by any means, but it doesn’t keep me up at night or drive me up the wall. I can’t say the same thing about the country as a whole, unfortunately. Do you realize that we debate Kelly Clarkson’s weight roughly once every three months? As a people, we actively hope she’ll one day be able to dedicate “Since U Been Gone” to her own stomach — that has to be the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. Actually, I know of something even weirder. Have you noticed how none of our collective craziness seems to have any effect on her? The contrast between her and me is staggering, to say the least. While I sit around all day, writing woe-is-me columns about how fat I am, Kelly nonchalantly acknowledges that she’s a big girl and moves on with her life.
And perhaps she’s on to something. So I propose that, in the name of Kelly Clarkson, myself and all other things round, we university fat kids unite and finally become the chubby, tubby buddies we were always meant to be. Think about it: we could be a powerful lobbying group. Hey, Student Government Administration, if athletes are allowed to ride motor scooters, we should be allowed to ride Segways. If we can’t have Ralph Friedgen as a role model anymore, then university President Dan Mote should be required to gain 100 pounds as an act of solidarity. Forget “Fear the Turtle”; this university better start fearing a large mass of large-massed people.
You guys go start the revolution. I’ll be with you in a second, right after I muster up enough energy to get off this damned couch.
Mike Sanders is a junior history major. He can be reached at msanders at umdbk dot com.
