Clueless about football? Don’t know O.J. Simpson from Homer Simpson? It’s all gravy – Diversions has you covered. If you’ve got a gridiron junkie for a boyfriend or you just want to look the part at your Super Bowl bash, we’ll have you dishin’ out knowledge like a pro even if you don’t know the first thing about getting a first down.
Super Bowl XL: The Seattle Seahawks vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers
Where: Ford Field in Detroit, Mich.
When: Sunday, Feb. 5, at 6 p.m.
Halftime show: The Rolling Stones
Seattle Seahawks
Uniform: Shades of blue with white trim
Key players: Offense: Matt Hasselbeck (quarterback), Shaun Alexander (running back), Darrell Jackson (wide receiver.)
Defense: Lofa Tatupu (linebacker), Rocky Bernard (defensive lineman), Michael Boulware (safety)
Coach: Mike Holmgren (looks like a chubby Teddy Roosevelt), one Super Bowl win
Team Super Bowl wins: 0
Storyline: The Seahawks have ridden their horse, reigning NFL Most Valuable Player Shaun Alexander, to the best record in their conference. They have a balanced offense and stout defense led largely by unknowns (listed above). They are currently 4.5 point underdogs.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Uniform: Yellow and black with white trim
Key players: Offense: Ben Roethlisberger (quarterback), Jerome Bettis (running back), Hines Ward (wide receiver)
Defense: Joey Porter (linebacker), James Farrior (linebacker), Troy Polamalu (safety)
Coach: Bill Cowher (looks like Sgt. Slaughter), zero Super Bowl wins
Team Super Bowl wins: 4
Storyline: The Steelers managed to make the playoffs by the skin of their teeth, but have gone on to knock off the Indianapolis Colts and Denver Broncos, the No. 1 and 2 seeds in the AFC, respectively. The team’s fierce rushing attack and increasingly able pass game sometimes overshadow the Steelers’ greatest asset – its speedy and relentless defense. They are currently 4.5 point favorites.
Fake quotes that’ll make you sound like a pro:
Wanna sound as smart as Peyton Manning, even if you’re not entirely sure who he is? Make these remarks at precisely the right moments (don’t worry, we’ll tell you when) and everyone at the party will be in awe of your pigskin prowess.
If the Steelers make a big play on defense: “I knew Hasselbeck would be flustered by Dick LeBeau’s 3-4 defense and intricate blitz schemes. The guy invented the zone blitz, for crying out loud!”
If Steelers running back Willie Parker (#39) makes a play: “The Bus gets all the publicity, but Willie Parker is clearly the best running back on the Steelers right now. He had 800 more yards than Bettis in the regular season and averaged more than a yard per carry more.”
When the Seahawks are on offense: “They say Seattle supposedly runs a West Coast Offense, but when you have the MVP at running back you better get him the ball a minimum of 25 times.”
When the Seahawks are on defense: “Of course I’m partial to Shawne Merriman because he’s a former Terp, but Lofa Tatupu had a just as good, if not better season, and could have easily won Rookie of the Year.”
Contact reporter Patrick Gavin at gavindbk@gmail.com.
